Note – this takes place about a week before DoFP: Ever So Lonely…

Things with Maria…they had been bad. Those first few weeks after he had left she had stayed away from everyone, going through the motions of being alive, going to school and disappearing at lunch so she wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. Liz had finally cornered her at the Crashdown one night while they were closing together and she had told her that she had just needed some time alone, but she was better now and things would be back to normal. She promised. They both knew it was silly to make any of those – there was no such thing as normal anymore, not even their Czechoslovakian version of it.

Liz tried to talk about it, about Michael, thinking maybe it would help to get some of it out, but whenever she approached the subject Maria just shook her head and said "No" and eventually Liz stopped trying.

She tried to ignore the fact that her best friend was a different person. That she was quieter, more subdued. That she seemed…numb, like the pain was so intense she couldn’t feel it anymore, let alone deal with it on her own, and even though she was at least speaking to Liz again she was still drifting further and further away.

It was tearing Liz apart. She needed Maria, and no matter what Maria wanted to think, she needed her too. Everything they had ever gone through they had gone through together, offering support, ice cream, a shoulder to lean on, comforting arms, and the promise that they would always be there for each other and that everything would be okay again – even if neither of them really believed that last part they believed in the first – that the other would always be there. No matter what. Liz had never thought something would happen that was too big for her to help, that was so big Maria would feel the need to shut her out. But she was wrong, and she felt guilty because she was hurt.

It was dark in the club, smoky. The only thing Liz could see was the stage lit by blue and purple lights. She couldn’t see Max beside her, but she could feel him, and looped her arm around his as the Whits took the stage. She was surprised Maria had decided to join them. So was Alex. He had called her up, concerned when she had missed three days of school, and after some small talk where they both avoided mentioning Michael she had asked him about the gig they had gotten at the Launch Pad. When he had told her that they were going to cancel she had told him not to.

"I want to do it", she said.

And Liz was proud of her for taking that step, for attempting to move on – it eased some of the worry in her heart that was overflowing already because of Max.

Convincing him to come tonight had been difficult. It had taken Liz and Isabel together to get him to even consider coming and hanging out for a night with the purpose of pretending they were just a normal group of teenagers out having fun and supporting their friends. He had eventually agreed after some badgering, but hadn’t looked too excited. He had been silent since they left the house, offering only a small smile now and then when she would take his hand in hers. Even now as he was surveying the impressive crowd his face displayed no emotion, no excitement, no nervousness. Nothing. Just a tiredness that was anchored in his soul and revealed in his sad eyes.

Max was a strong person. He always did what had to be done no matter how much personal pain it caused him. It was who he was. That’s why at first she had thought he would be okay, that he would snap out of his denial and come to terms with this like he had with everything else in his life.

She knew now that this was different. She should have known from the beginning.

Max still came to school, still talked to everyone, on the outside looking unfazed by the whole thing, and that was the problem. He was still pretending as though things had not changed, that their group dynamic had not changed. He still saved a seat for Michael at lunch and Isabel said he still waited a few minutes after school in case Michael needed a ride home. How did you deal with someone, make them face the truth, when denying that truth was the only way they were hanging on?

Michael was more than a friend to Max and Isabel, and more than a brother. He was a part of them. Isabel had tried to explain it to her once, how it was between them – the connection, how strong it was, how it made them who they were. Isabel was able to salvage some of herself by holding onto Alex, by not letting herself sink into that hole Michael’s departure had left, by not continuing to search for that connection that was no longer there. She had realized the day that Alex came to her house and sang to her that it didn’t matter what she did, no matter how hard she reached. Michael wasn’t going to reach back. Not until he was ready, not until he did what he had to do.

But Max was still searching, still reaching. He hadn’t let go yet.

He didn’t sleep.

During class he stared at the board, at his desk, without seeing anything. Sometimes he looked at them the same way, almost like he was trying to decide what he would let be real and what he wouldn’t.

Michael’s absence was not real.

When any of them tried to say anything about it he changed the subject. Anything that reminded him of the truth he blocked out, and Maria was one of those things.

She still blamed him and everyone knew it even though she never said it out loud. The accusation was in her eyes. So Max stopped looking at her. And Liz was torn between them. If she helped one she lost the other. If she helped neither she lost both of them.

But that wasn’t really an issue anymore.

Neither of them wanted her help.

The band was introduced and Liz allowed herself a small smile at the hooting and clapping. She was proud of them, of Alex and Maria both. Since the KROZ concert they’d managed to get over their style differences and actually made an effort to get to know each other’s music. Maria swapped Alex her copy of "Stunt" for "Nevermind" and the result was a great show with an equal smattering of pop and grunge. It helped that Maria could growl just as well as she could croon and Alex proved he and the rest of the guys in the band could handle Madonna with as much ease as they could Pearl Jam.

The band stepped out onto the stage and Liz and Isabel both leapt to their feet as they burst into their first song, a Cars cover. Alex took the lead on this one and Liz glanced over at Isabel who was positively beaming with pride as her almost-boyfriend sang, "I guess you’re just what I needed" in a club full of people, but only to her.

Liz turned to look at Max who had gotten up from the table also. He smiled at her and reached out pulling her back against him and resting his chin on her shoulder as they danced. Liz closed her eyes as his arms wrapped around her waist, his fingers playing with the belt loops of her jeans and she let herself believe that maybe things would be okay. It was a step in the right direction – Max coming out with them tonight. True, they had to beg, but in the end he had made the decision to join them.

Even Maria looked good – a little like her old self in a halter top made out of what looked like astro turf and black leather pants. Liz grinned into the darkness at her friend. Only Maria could pull of an outfit like that and look fabulous.

Isabel leaned over, close to her ear and said, "She looks better…" Liz smiled, nodding in agreement, and Isabel grinned when Max spun Liz around and dipped her. Maybe things would be all right. He was having fun. Really having fun for a change and not pretending for her sake. She threw back her head and laughed as Max smiled rakishly and dipped her again.

The song ended, and Alex’s voice floated over the cheering as he thanked everyone for coming and introduced himself and the rest of the band. All three of them whistled for Maria as she stood up to the mike.

She took a deep breath, seeming to center herself and said softly "This is for Michael…"

Liz looked over at Alex who nodded at Maria supportively as they began to play. She closed her eyes, swaying slightly to the music as her hands lightly cupped the microphone and began to sing, her voice a gentle hush cradling the words.

"I didn’t hear you leave…

I wonder how am I still here…

And I don’t want to move a thing…

It might change my memory…

Oh I am what I am…

I’ll do what I want…

But I can’t hide…

And I won’t go…

I won’t sleep…

I can’t breathe…

Until you’re resting here with me…

I won’t leave…

I can’t hide…

I cannot be…

Until you’re resting here with me…."

The crowd held its breath, not a sound in the room but the music and Maria’s voice, fragile in its intensity. Liz’s eyes filled at the emotion, the sadness and the acceptance that was there all at once.

"I don’t want to call my friends…

They might wake me from this dream…

And I can’t leave this bed…

Risk forgetting all that’s been…

Oh I am what I am…

I’ll do what I want…

But I can’t hide…

And I won’t go…

I won’t sleep…

I can’t breathe…

Until you’re resting here with me…

And I won’t leave…

I can’t hide…

I cannot be…

Until you’re resting here with me….

And I won’t go…

And I won’t sleep…

And I can’t breathe…

Until you’re resting here with me…

And I won’t leave…

I can’t hide…

I cannot be…

Until you’re resting here with me…"

Liz turned to Max. He wasn’t looking at the stage. He was searching the crowd, concerned.

"Max what are you looking for?"

"Michael – he missed her sing the first time. He was always kind of disappointed about that even though he’d never admit it. He wouldn’t miss her again. He’s probably here somewhere and can’t find us in the crowd…"

She stared at him.

Enough was enough.

She took his hand.

She led him away from the table and through the crowd as Maria’s voice strengthened, the sadness becoming tangled with a touch of bitterness as Liz pushed open the doors of the club and stepped outside taking Max with her.

"Oh I am what I am…

I’ll do what I want…

But I can’t hi-"

"Max what are you doing?" He frowned at her.

"What do you mean?"

"Max he’s gone. He’s not coming to hear Maria sing. He isn’t going to be at the Crashdown tonight or tomorrow or the next day. He isn’t going to be at school. He isn’t going to be at his apartment. He’s gone." She didn’t know when she started crying. She couldn’t help it. Maybe she didn’t understand what Max and Isabel and Maria were going through, maybe she wasn’t as close with Michael as they all had been but she knew what it was like to lose someone you loved. Because she was losing Max. Day by day a little bit more of him was letting her go, letting everyone go. She was through with giving him space, with letting him get through it on his own because he wasn’t. He was lying to himself and she knew he knew it.

He blinked at her.

"Michael…Michael is not gone…" His voice started out strong but wavered a little at the end. His eyes pleaded with hers to tell him he was right…to tell him that the only reason Michael hadn’t been in the parking lot after school, or at the Crashdown or at his apartment was because he was just in one of his Michael moods again and felt like being alone. "He’s just…he’s at home. He’s at the apartment…"

"Then why hasn’t he come to see you…or any of us Max? How come we haven’t seen him in weeks?"

He swallowed, frantically trying to come up with a reason that she would believe, that he would believe. He couldn’t.

"Why are you doing this to me!"

"Max…you’re doing this to yourself. You know he’s gone…you know-"

"He’s at the apartment. Right now he’s at the apartment trying to regroup…trying to make sense of what happened in the desert…what happened to our parents…He’s there."

"Why are you doing this to yourself…" Liz whispered and he took her hand pulling her over to the jeep parked in front of the club.

"I’ll show you…I’ll prove it to you…" Liz bit her lip and climbed into the jeep as Max fumbled with the car keys. She didn’t say a word as he peeled away from the curb and sped off down the street.

When they got to Michael’s Max didn’t wait for her. He flung open the door and ran up the steps. She followed after a moment, and when she reached Michael’s floor he was already inside.

The apartment was empty. Michael’s things were still there but it was empty. The air inside was stifling and colored by the scent of sour milk coming from the bowl of moldy cereal on the counter. No one had set foot in there for weeks. Max looked around wildly as though Michael were hiding from him. Liz waited as he searched the two rooms off the hallway.

Nothing.

"He’s not here…" He said as he came back in from the hall. He sounded surprised.

"Max, he hasn’t been here for weeks. He hasn’t been here since the desert…"

"No…"

"Max! Look at this place! It’s empty - it’s cold. It’s abandoned…He’s not here…Max…" Liz blinked back the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks again. She didn’t know how to fix this, how to make him see. "When was the last time you saw him? When was the last time you heard his voice?"

"I…"

"The desert. It was in the desert wasn’t it…?"

"…Yes…" he whispered after a long moment.

"And what did he do, Max? What did he do in the desert?" He looked away from her and she reached out and touched his chin, gently titling it up so he had to face her. "What did he do?" Max took a deep shaky breath, and something in his eyes shattered as he let it out.

"He…ran after Nasedo…" He looked down at her, his tears glistening in the stale darkness as he exhaled another trembling breath, defeated. "He’s…he’s really gone…isn’t he?"

Liz nodded sadly, coming closer as he looked around the apartment, his eyes landing on the bowl of rotting milk and corn flakes.

"He’ll be back. He just went away for a little while –"

"Max, it’s been weeks-"

"Things will be easier when he gets back if we pretend like nothing’s happened, like nothing’s changed. He needs that…I…need that…He’ll be back any day now…"

"Max…"

"No Liz, he will. You don’t understand…he won’t stay away because he can’t…He has come back to Izzy and I every time…at the cave when he was sick…he chose to come back to us…when he left after Hank disappeared…he didn’t even make it out of the state. He came back. Even before those times I knew…I always knew he would be the one to leave without saying goodbye…he was always talking about it – packing a suitcase and going somewhere else…and the one time he did…he realized it was wrong and he came back. He’ll always come back. He has too…"

She bit her lip at the desperation that had crept into his voice and she reached out to him, even as he was taking a step back.

"Max, you have to let him go…"

"You don’t understand."

"Maybe not…maybe you’re right…maybe I don’t know what it’s like but Max…this isn’t better…what you’re doing isn’t better…it isn’t helping anyone. Do you really think Michael would want you to do this to yourself?" he didn’t answer her and she stepped in a little closer. "Max, if he does come back…it’s going to be on his own terms…when he’s ready…there’s nothing you or anyone else can do about that except go on with your life and welcome him when he decides to come home to us. Isabel understands this…she understands that letting him go doesn’t mean forgetting, denying how important he is to all of you…Max you’re shutting us all out…whether you realize it or not…" She reached up to touch his face. She brushed away a tear. "Max, I…I miss you…we all do…losing Michael is hard enough…but we can’t…I can’t lose you too, Max. I need you. I love you."

"I don’t want to lose you either…I don’t think I could stand…" He pulled her into his arms and closed his eyes as he rested his head on her shoulder. She felt a warm tear slide down her neck and ran her fingers through his hair trying to sooth him as she rocked him a little.

"I know this is hard, Max…but I’m here…I’m here for you…Don’t deal with this by pretending nothing happened, that things are the way they were…because you know they’re not…I can’t keep…humoring you…none of us can…It’s hurting all of us…but most of all it’s hurting you and I can stand that…"

Max lifted his head and dragged the back of his hand across his cheeks, pushing the tears away.

"I don’t…I don’t know how to do this…"

"How to do what…?"

"Let him go. Stop thinking about him. Stop expecting to see him in the halls, at the Crashdown."

"Max, you don’t have to forget about him…none of us can ask of you what we can’t do ourselves…"

"I have to stop looking for him." Liz nodded and took his hand. "I have to let him find his own way back."

"I’ll help you, Max…we all will…It…It’ll be okay…"

Back to Area 51 (Section II)