-Rating: PG
-Category: Tess POV
-Summary: Tess reflection post-Cry Your Name
-Spoilers: Takes place after Cry Your Name, but spoilers are through Departure
-Disclaimer: I don't own them. If I did... well... I'll just keep that entertaining fantasy to myself for now. :-)
-Author's Notes: For some reason, even though I am completely obsessed with M&M, I write Tess POV much more easily. I can't explain it. It's just weird.
Feedback would be much appreciated. :-)

***

We did watch Gladiator that day.

I'd bought it for him about a week ago, on DVD, for his birthday. And I'd wrapped it, and bought a card and everything. It was in the back of one of my drawers, under my clothes, waiting for his birthday. But he was so bored that day, and he wouldn't leave me alone. In and out of my room, sometimes for the silliest reasons. He even asked me to open a jar of peanut butter for him, claiming that my "death-ray eyes" would loosen the cap. So, for the sake of his sanity (and mine) I finally told him to go sit on the couch in front of the TV and wait a minute, and then maybe he wouldn't be so bored. And I gave him his present a day early. We hung out on the couch all morning, eating popcorn and watching Gladiator. Kyle even let me put Tabasco on the popcorn.

I think this whole living with the Valentis thing is making me soft.

***

Those first few months were hard, because I knew that I was supposed to be doing something. I was supposed to be working on the Deal, the one Nacedo made. Whenever he talked about it, I always saw it with a capital D, like when he talked about Destiny. It almost made me laugh, the way he would tell the three of them, Max and Isabel and Michael, about their Destiny. If he'd ever believed in Destiny, he'd stopped the moment of the crash in 1947. He'd laughed in Destiny's face when he'd made the Deal. And here he was talking about it like there was no choice, like their futures were carved in stone, beyond anyone's power to control.

Well, they were. Just not the way he told them.

Once I'd sent Alex away, to Las Cruces, to work on the book... it was easier. I had nothing to do but wait. I had time to look at the people around me, and try to figure them out. I'd never had this much contact with humans before. Living with Nacedo was like a whole different world, and after he died, I couldn't take the time to adjust, not all that much. Now I was adjusting, and I discovered that these people, these humans, weren't all the same. They weren't even really that boring. They were almost, at times, interesting. Maria, for example. I had to like her. I couldn't like Liz, because she was the biggest obstacle in my path, and I wouldn't let myself like Alex, because if I liked him it would be harder to use him. But Maria, I liked. I couldn't show it, of course. But when the Skins came, and made everyone disappear, there was one moment where she could have been killed. No-one would have seen it but me. I couldn't, though... I couldn't let Ida kill her. I stepped out and ::pushed:: Ida back with my powers, and she exploded into dust.

It was the first time I'd ever felt really good about myself, about something I'd done.

I liked Kyle and the Sheriff too. That was harder to hide, no matter how much I tried to stay separate. I finally just gave in around Christmas. I'd never had a Christmas before... never really missed it, in fact. I don't know what changed. For once, I wanted to be a part of something, something warm and happy and... human. Without Nacedo there to keep me separate, and without my desperate planning for the Deal to separate myself, I let go. Just a little. I didn't give up my plans, or forget what I was supposed to be doing. Not for a minute. I just let it drift to the back of my mind for a while. Tested what life was like without some "higher purpose". It was kind of fun.

I should never have let my guard down.

***

Every so often I would drive out to the University and check up on Alex. He seemed ok, and the mindwarp didn't seem to be cracking at all. I didn't quite understand the obsession with Thai food, but I didn't think it would hurt him.

I didn't think I was hurting him.

I didn't want to hurt him. I needed to use him, I needed his knowledge. That's all.

I swear, I swear on anything in this world or any other, I never meant to kill him.

***

There was this one phrase from Gladiator that just stuck in my head. Ever since we watched that movie, ever since I... since Alex... since he died, it just... I can't get rid of it.

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.*

It was running through my head when I drove out to that lonely part of the highway, with Alex's body in the car. When Kyle and Isabel and I were looking at the prom pictures, and Isabel was smiling at the ones of her and Alex. I've never seen her smile like that before. Completely happy.

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.*

I heard it when Maria screamed and came running out of the break room. When the Sheriff came in and told us what had happened. When I saw the shock and horror and open, naked grief on their faces. I know the look on mine mirrored it. The horror and the grief were real. Even the shock didn't take too much practice.

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.*

It blocked out all other sound when I saw the blood on Max's hand. It screamed through my head then, narrowing my entire life to the sight of the blood, red and glistening. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. The only thing I could do was feel.

And I couldn't stop myself from feeling.

***

I'm sure it looked like a great show of solidarity when we all left together. Even Michael left Maria to come with us.

I hurt for her.

I couldn't get my shield back. That distance I had that kept me from feeling. I'd let it erode over the past two months, and now it wasn't there to protect me.

It looked good, but that's all. We didn't go off and grieve together, or plan how to leave this planet, or how to convince them that it was suicide. Max and Isabel got in the Jeep and drove home. Michael set off walking in one direction, me in the other.

I went home and put on some sweatpants, and one of Kyle's old T-shirts. It was soft and comforting, and for a while I just lay on my bed and let myself be comforted. Then I realized that this wasn't going to help me get my distance back. It wasn't going to help me move on with my plan. I sat up and reached for one of my tank tops. My clothes. My plan. My Deal. My Destiny.

Not theirs. They didn't even know. They would never understand.

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.*

I stopped mid-reach, suddenly hypnotized by the blue veins on my arms.

Alex's blood was so red.

Was mine?

Logically, I knew it was. When Max was kidnapped, when they tried to cut him open... the wound on his chest was red. If his blood was red, so was mine.

Was it?

Am I the same as them? We're the same combination of human DNA and alien essence... same method, same ingredients, same ratios. I know that better than anyone. I've read the book. I've read how we were made.

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.*

If we're the same, why can I do this? Why can I throw away life? If I could do it to Alex... could I do it to Maria? Kyle? the Sheriff?

Michael? Isabel? Max?

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.*

Kyle had been fiddling with his Swiss army knife when he was in here this morning. It was sitting on my dresser. I reached for that instead of my tank top. Curled up on the bed, opened the blade. I followed the veins on my wrist with my eyes. My thumb, I decided. I watched the blade of the knife slice into the pad of my thumb, and I didn't feel any pain. It was like watching it happen to someone else. I folded the blade back into the knife and let it drop to the floor.

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.*

Red. Bright, red blood welled up from the tiny cut on my thumb.

Red like the roses we'd thrown on Alex's coffin.

Red like the cut down Max's chest.

Red like the blood on his hand.

Like Alex's blood.

Like human blood.

***

I didn't hear Kyle come in. I didn't know he was home until he was standing in the doorway, looking at me. He must have said something, made some sort of noise, because suddenly I knew he was there. I looked up at him. Held my thumb up for him to see.

"It's red," I told him.

He blinked, stepped into the room.

"Like Alex's," I explained.

He still looked confused.

"Like yours." I was getting frustrated with him. "Like *human's*."

Understanding dawned. And the pain on his face hurt me. Because it was pain for me. "Tess..." He sat down on the bed with me and wrapped his arms around me. Held me tight, and I held him back.

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.*

Killing that Skin to save Maria was the first time I ever felt really, honestly good about something I'd done. Sitting there, with Kyle holding me, trying to comfort me, all the while knowing that I'd lied to him, and worse, mindwarped him... that was the first time I ever hated myself for something I'd done. I hated myself, hated my powers, hated who I was and what I was.

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.*

I've never cried.

I cried then. For once in my life, I let myself go completely, sobbing into Kyle's shoulder, holding on to him as tightly as possible. He stroked my hair, whispering, "Shhh... shhh..." but I felt something wet on my neck, and I knew he was crying too.

***

That's how the Sheriff found us. And he came, and sat down on the other side of me, and put his arms around both of us. So that we were there, together, a little knot of humanity and family and caring, crying and comforting one another.

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.*

Tomorrow I will begin to rebuild my shield. My distance. My separation. Begin again to work on my plan.

*Echoes in eternity.*

I have the tools now. I just have to figure out the best way to use them.

*In eternity.*

But for now, I will let myself cry. I will let myself know that I am as human as they are. For this one moment, I will let myself love and be loved. Be a part of a family.

*Eternity.*

Because for the rest of my life, for the rest of all time, I will be alone. I have to be. It's the way I was raised. The way I was taught.

The only way I know.

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.* - Maximus, *Gladiator*

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