Rating: PG-13, I guess. A little bit of language, nothing else

Category: This one features all three of our favorite couples, but it’s mostly Max/Liz

Disclaimers: No, they are not my characters. Most of them belong to Jason Katims and the creators of Roswell, and there are a few that I borrowed from the ingenious series Roswell Elementary, created by Emily and Kara. I can assure you that suing me will probably cost more money than it is worth. All you will get is an entire collection of X-Files and Roswell tapes, a case of Dave Matthews CDs, and a huge, drooling Yellow Labrador.

Distribution: Just ask me first

Feedback: PLEASE. I live for the stuff. I don’t even care if it’s good feedback or not--I take criticism, as long as it’s constructive. I’m tough like that. So send away!

Author’s Note: This is a sequel to my last story, “Helpless.” Thanks to everyone who sent me feedback on it! I really appreciated it. I would highly recommend reading that one before reading this. I have one more part planned, so just you wait! There is more to come.

Special thanks to Addison, Radhika, and Deann--I love you guys!!! You are my little support group and I don’t know what I would do without you.

***

April 18

Dear Journal,

It’s funny how sometimes you can be surrounded by people and yet still feel completely isolated. I mean, I can’t be left alone for five minutes at a time. There are always doctors--poking, testing, talking, examining. And when they leave my parents hover over me until I finally manage to kick them out around dinnertime. Thank God my friends are there for me. I don’t know what I would do without them. But even knowing that I have all these people on my side who say they understand, they really don’t. No one does. And I’m not blaming them; they’re trying the best that they can to understand. In fact, they’re the only things keeping me going right now. But as much comfort as they give me, they still can’t give me the one thing I want the most at this point in time. No one can. And I know that even with all this support, I am alone in this. Completely, totally alone.

***

Michael Guerin leaned against the doorjamb, scanning the hallway. Finally, he spotted a familiar blond head bobbing through the crowd. He straightened up and walked over to her. “Hey,” he said, touching her arm to get her attention.

Maria turned. “Michael. Hi.”

“How are you doing?” he asked her.

“I’m...all right,” she said. He stared down at her, not really believing her. Her red-rimmed eyes suggested otherwise. Maria caught his skeptical look and gave in. “OK, not too well,” she admitted. “I guess I’m still trying to get used to this.”

“You want to talk about it?” he asked her. “I mean, unless you’d rather go to history.”

Maria blushed and looked down, a shy gesture that was unusual for her. “I guess I do need someone to talk to,” she admitted.

“Then I’m here to listen,” he said softly, taking her hand and leading her towards the door.

A few minutes later, the two of them were sitting beneath a small tree outside of the school. Michael listened as Maria began talking and the words came pouring out. “I mean, Liz and I have always been totally connected. I know what she’s thinking before she even says it. But now, I don’t even know what to do. I don’t know how to act. I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing something that might make her feel bad. Do I act normal around her? Do I try to make it seem like not a big deal? I don’t know if she wants to talk about it or not. I mean, she usually likes to try and continue things like normal. But nothing like this has ever happened before! And I’m afraid if I try to treat her like normal, she might think that I don’t care.”

“Maria, she won’t think that,” Michael assured her. “You know her too well for that.”

“But I don’t know what to do,” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.

“Tell her how you feel,” he advised her gently. “Liz isn’t stupid. She knows when people are putting on an act in front of her. If you don’t know what to do, ask her. That way it’ll show her that you really care.”

Maria sat for a moment, thinking that over. Finally, she spoke. “You know, Michael, I think you’re right.”

Michael smiled and looked down at the ground. “Yeah, well, miracles do happen.”

“No, really,” she continued. “Thanks, Michael. This really did make me feel better.”

He moved closer to her and put his arm around her shoulders. She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. “I think sometimes just telling other people our problems makes them seem smaller. Even if they can’t solve them, it helps just to talk.”

“Oh, really?” she teased. “This piece of advice coming from Mr. Loner himself? Michael Guerin, who never tells his problems to anyone?”

He gave her a crooked, sheepish grin. “Well, maybe that’s why I always blow everything out of proportion. My problems seem so much bigger to me because I don’t let anyone know about them.”

She studied his face. “You should let people know, Michael. Let people in. It’s not that hard, I promise.”

He turned more serious also. “I’m trying, Maria. You know that.”

“I know,” she agreed. Studying her hands for a moment, she decided to ask another question while they were still on a solemn note. “Michael?”

“Hmm?”

“I have another question. I was talking to Max, and he said--” she took a breath. “He was upset that he couldn’t heal her. He said he couldn’t fix what was going on.” Michael sighed, knowing that this question had been inevitable. He dropped his arm back down to the ground, trying to sort out his answer. “Why can’t he, Michael? I thought you guys could fix stuff like...like this. I mean, don’t get me wrong,” she rushed on, seeing him open his mouth to begin speaking. “I’m not saying that I’m angry that you can’t or that I expect you to, because I know that even if you could, it might make more trouble and since we’ve already gotten you into enough trouble, we shouldn’t ask you to do it again, and I mean obviously I don’t resent you or anything because it’s not like any human could do it anyway--”

Michael could only stare at her open mouthed, his head spinning. How could she get that many words out without running out of air?

Maria saw the look on his face and gave a small laugh, realizing that her nervous habit of babbling was catching up to her. “Sorry. I guess what I was trying to get out was, I’m not angry that you can’t heal her. I’m just...curious, I guess. What makes this different from the first time that he saved her life?”

“This is...this is different,” Michael tried to explain. Obviously. Duh. Explain it by repeating what she just said, that’ll clarify it. “When Liz was shot, there was an object in there that wasn’t supposed to be. Something was happening to her that shouldn’t have been. But as much as we all know this shouldn’t really be happening to her, it’s something natural that’s occurring. It’s on the inside of her, and we can’t fix that.”

“But the bullet was inside, too,” Maria interrupted. “And Max fixed that, like her stomach and everything.”

“Right, but right now we don’t know exactly what is happening. This is just a part of her body now, something that we don’t have the power to get rid of. And even if we could, we don’t even know exactly where it is to get rid of it. That’s something we’re going to have to trust the doctors to do.”

Maria nodded, taking it all in. “I get it.”

Michael pulled her closer once again. “But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to fix it. I know Max is dying right now having to watch this happen to her.” He winced, realizing what he had just said. “Uh, I mean--”

Maria shook her head. “No, I know what you mean. Don’t worry.” She gave him a small smile.

He attempted to return it. “I just meant...I don’t know how much more he can stand to watch.”

Maria nodded. “Yeah, he’s in pretty bad shape.”

Michael rubbed her shoulders. “We all are. But we’ll have to help each other get through it.”

Maria laid her head on his shoulder, feeling drained from her emotional outpouring. “I think we already are,” she whispered.

***

Isabel wove through the many tables scattered outside of the school. Turning a corner, she spotted Alex in his usual spot, strumming his guitar alone. Carefully making her way over to him, she gently tapped him on the shoulder. “Want some company?”

He twisted around to see her. “Isabel! Sure, sit down.”

She sat. “How are you doing?” she asked him. She could tell by the slump of his shoulders and the downcast look in his eyes that he was really hurting for his friend. Any time anything happened to someone he cared about, Alex was always the empathetic one of the group. He felt everyone’s pain, a characteristic that Isabel admired but knew had to be hell to live with.

He shrugged. “Dealing with it the best I can, I guess. You?”

“Same. I feel terrible about this whole thing.”

“Yup.” He stared down at the ground, lost in his thoughts. Silence fell between them. “Did you get to see her finally?”

She nodded. “Once. When most of the testing was over, I went to see her. It was horrible. I just....” she trailed off, not knowing how to complete her sentence. “I mean, all my life I’ve wanted to have real friends like her, not just casual relationships with everyone. And I finally was lucky enough to find people who knew the real me and still liked me for it. I never thought that would happen. I thought if anyone ever knew about me, it would repulse them. But Liz just accepted it and treated me like a friend, even though I’d never really treated her like one.” She could feel Alex’s eyes on her as she poured her heart out. Tears came to her eyes as she realized exactly how much she valued her new friendships. “I just can’t believe this is happening to her, of all people. Why her? What did she ever do to deserve this?”

Alex shook his head in anger. “Nothing.”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I finally find a real friend and now I think...that I might lose her.” She looked up. Alex was still staring at her as if he understood. Isabel sighed and wiped her eyes. “Have you seen her at all?”

He nodded. “A couple times. It was hard. I can’t get used to seeing her like that. I mean, Liz and Maria have been my best friends since grade school. I never imagined any of this could ever happen to one of them. I always thought the three of us would be together forever. But now with Liz being in the hospital for so long...”

“Do they know how long she’s going to have to stay there?” Isabel asked quietly. She had been there for a week already. “I mean, how are they going to treat her?”

“Radiation,” Alex said bitterly. “They’re trying radiation to see how it works.”

“Oh.” She searched for words. “Will she get to go home, then?”

His shoulders slumped even further. “No. Most radiation patients do. But the doctors said this is a kind of cancer they’ve never really seen before. They don’t really know what to do. So they’re making her stay in the hospital until they can make it go away.”

“Oh, God,” Isabel whispered involuntarily. She knew what Alex was thinking. It could be months--if ever--before the cancer left, especially since it was such a rare form. And Liz wouldn’t be coming home for that whole time. A stab of pain hit her as she imagined what Alex must be feeling right now. The same thing she would be feeling if this were happening to Max or Michael. She tried to think of something, anything, to say that would make him feel better, but she couldn’t think of anything. “Radiation doesn’t make you sick, does it?” she asked hesitantly.

He shrugged angrily. “It’s different for everyone. It’s not as bad as chemo, no. But people can still get sick. Some people aren’t affected at all. But others have all the symptoms--nausea, dizziness, fatigue, you name it. It’s like having the flu for weeks on end. Only worse.”

Isabel reached for his hand and held it gently. “Maybe she’ll be one of the lucky ones.”

Alex gave her a small smile. “I hope so, Is. I really do.”

She squeezed his hand gently. Both of them knew that being “lucky” for Liz didn’t have anything to do with her symptoms. It had to do with life and death. And they could only pray that she would be one of the lucky ones.

***

May 3

Dear Journal,

I feel isolated. Like I’m standing on a deserted island surrounded by hundreds of other islands with people on them, but none of them realize that I’m in the middle of them. It’s almost like being invisible. I don’t want to be invisible. Being invisible means that no one would notice if you simply faded away. Will that happen to me? Will anyone really notice if I’m gone?

Sometimes I think that it wouldn’t really matter. Yes, people would cry. They would say what a loss it was, she was such a bright girl, such potential, blah blah blah. But what about once I’ve been gone for a year? 5 years? Ten years? They won’t remember me. I’ll be “the girl from the yearbook, the girl who died back in high school. Yeah, I remember her. She was nice, I guess.” I don’t want to be forgotten like that! But deep down, I keep telling myself that some people will still remember me. I know I’m lucky to have so many people here with me. I was walking in the hall the other day, and I saw a girl lying alone in her room. Later I found out her name was Annalise. We’ve talked a couple of times. Her parents are divorced. Her mom comes and visits her over lunch, and her dad comes when he gets off of work for about an hour. That’s it. No one else. I can’t imagine that. I feel incredibly blessed to have such great friends. They’re always here for me. Even though sometimes they don’t know what to say or what to do, I know that they wish they could help. And they are helping, just by being here for me.

***

Three weeks. Three weeks of absolute hell, and already Max didn’t think he could make it through another day. He had established a daily routine which he followed religiously. Get up, go to school, drop his things off at home, go to the hospital. He had visited Liz every single day since she had been diagnosed. Her parents stayed with her most of the day, but by five o’clock they usually left for home. Then he would stay with her. Liz had told him more than once that she felt guilty for taking up so much of his time, but he had refused to have it any other way. Truthfully, he needed to be with her as much as she needed to be with him. He was unable to think of anything else but her. His grades had started slipping. He hardly ever attempted homework any more, and he couldn’t force himself to pay attention in class. Every minute of every day was spent thinking about Liz, worrying about her, and wondering if she was getting any better.

***

Max made his way down the endless stretch of the hallway. 723, 725, 727.....the numbers passed before his eyes as he scanned the doors. Finally, he reached room 731 and stopped in front of it.

He gently pushed open the door to Liz’s room, surprised to find the bed empty. “Liz?” he called. There was no answer. Just then he heard water running. He looked in the direction of the bathroom to see the light on and the door opened just a crack. He walked over and knocked on the door. “Liz, are you in there?”

There was a pause, and then her voice came out, sounding small and muffled. “Max?”

Max pushed the door open the whole way and felt his stomach go to his throat. Liz was sitting on the floor, her face streaked with tears. He was immediately at her side. “Liz, what is it?”

“Max...” she whispered, choking with tears. “I’m so sick...” her voice trailed off.

He knelt beside her, stroking her tangled hair with one hand as she cried. “It’ll be OK, Liz. It’ll pass.”

“No!” she shook off his arm. “No, it won’t.” She turned again and gripped the sides of the toilet bowl. “It won’t ever stop, Max...” suddenly her head jerked forward and she bent forwards again, wishing she were dead at that moment. Her stomach convulsed again and again, but it felt as if there was nothing left inside of her. Her body felt empty inside, except for the nausea washing over her in great, smothering waves.

Max held her thin shoulders for a moment, rubbing them comfortingly. In actuality, he was completely terrified. He didn’t even know what it was like to be sick, let alone how to deal with it when it was happening to someone else. He felt a shudder go through her body, and a sob escaped her lips. Max stood up and quickly ran out to her room. Finding a rubber band on the table beside her bed, he grabbed it and ran back into the bathroom, where Liz was still doubled over crying. He gently pulled her hair back from her face and wrapped the rubber band around it. Then he sat down beside her and rubbed her back, which was soaked in sweat. He wished there was something he could do to make her feel better, but he couldn’t even guess where to start.

The nausea finally passing, Liz sat back on her heels. She felt Max’s hands run up and down her back, and fresh tears sprung to her eyes. “Liz,” Max whispered in her ear, “calm down, you have to stop crying. You’re going to make yourself feel worse if you keep crying.”

She tried desperately, but the tears squeezed out of her eyes and worked their way down the tracks on her cheek. “I don’t think I can do this, Max,” she whispered. “I can’t...” she stood up on shaky legs and looked into the mirror. Her face was flushed and her eyes bright. Tear tracks stained her cheeks, and several strands of hair had escaped the loose ponytail. “Look at me. I’m a mess...look at my face, and my hair....”

Max stood up and put his hands on her shoulders. “Hey,” he said jokingly. “I’m quite proud of how nicely I did that hair.” A small laugh escaped her. Max smiled, and then his face grew more serious. “Liz, you have to know that the way you look doesn’t matter at all to me. You have to know that by now.”

Her eyes dampened again. “I know,” she agreed, ducking her head. “But I still hate you seeing me like this...I hate being like this--”

“Liz, I don’t like seeing you like this,” he told her. “But not because I think you look bad. No matter what you do, you will always, always be just as beautiful to me. I hate this because of what it’s doing to you. I hate the fact that you can’t see yourself the way I do.” She turned to him, her red-rimmed eyes staring up at him with a look of disbelief and complete, utter trust. He smiled at that look and reassured her that he was telling her the absolute truth. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered.

At that, she threw her arms around him and leaned into his shoulder. He knew, without her having to say a word, that those were the words she needed to hear at that moment. When her world was falling apart around her, he needed to let her know that his feelings for her would never change. His own arms slipped around her waist, returning the hug she was giving him. She leaned against him a little more, and he could feel her exhausted body giving way. “Come on,” he whispered in her ear, leading her back into her room and over to the bed. She let his arms guide her, too tired to protest. She lay down on the sheets, giving her body some much-needed rest. Max took the chair next to her bed again. “I’ll stay,” he told her before she even asked. She nodded, her eyes drifting shut.

***

Isabel heard the Jeep pull into the driveway. She glanced at the clock. 10:42. She sighed. Max didn’t sleep any more. He spent hours every day at the hospital with Liz. She knew their parents were worried about him. He didn’t even eat anymore.

She heard the door close gently and turned in her chair, where she had been reading Huck Finn for English class. Max stepped into the family room, looking tired. She took in the dark circles under his eyes and the lines etched into his face. “Rough day?” she inquired.

He nodded, letting his head sink into his hands. “Liz is getting sick.”

“Max, Liz already is--” suddenly she realized what he meant. The treatment. Her stomach felt as if she had just been punched. “Oh God, Max, I’m sorry,” she whispered. “Is it--is it bad?”

He didn’t move for a moment, and Isabel thought with a start that he had fallen asleep right there in the family room. But then his head gave a small movement, and she realized it was taking all of his strength to talk about it. “Yes,” he replied quietly. He didn’t say anything else.

Tears filled Isabel’s eyes. Her brother, her friends--everybody was being torn apart. The cancer had come as a slap in the face to all of them, but she had hoped with all of her heart that Liz wouldn’t become sick. Then maybe it wouldn’t seem as if she was ill. Everything could maybe stay just a little bit closer to normal, as long as Liz was still OK. But everything wasn’t normal. Liz was in the hospital, becoming sicker by the day with all of the treatments the doctors were giving her. Their comfortable, close-knit group had been ripped apart at the seams. She reached out to take her brother’s cold hand. “I’m sorry, Max.”

He stared off into space. “I didn’t even know what to do. I just tried to be there for her, but I have no idea what it’s like to even have the flu, let alone this. I just felt like I couldn’t do anything.” His voice had taken on a sad, heavy quality over the past few weeks. Now it broke. “But I guess that’s the truth, isn’t it, Is? There is nothing I can do to help her.”

“You can be there for her, just like you said, Max. I’m sure that helps her.”

“No, it doesn’t. How can it do any good?”

“It gives her hope, Max,” she told him firmly. “It lets her know that we’re all behind her, and that she can rely on us if she needs to. If you think she feels bad now, imagine what it would be like if no one was there for her. If she spent every afternoon alone in her hospital room.”

He thought about that for a minute, then nodded slightly. “I guess.”

Isabel sighed. “We’ll have to tell everyone what happened.”

***

The next day, the five of them sat around the lunch table as usual. Not much was said between them. Finally, Max cleared his throat. “I went to see Liz last night.”

Everyone looked at him. It was no secret that he stayed with Liz every day. Something was up. “And?” Alex questioned. His was almost afraid to hear the answer.

Maria tensed up. “What happened? Has she gotten worse?”

“Well, nothing that we didn’t already think might happen.” He looked at the frightened faces around him, taking it what he was telling them. “When I walked into her room, she was sick. Really sick.”

Maria’s face paled. “No,” she whispered. “Liz...poor Liz.” Tears pooled in her eyes. “Do you think I can see her today?” she asked. “Mr. Parker will give me the day off.”

Max nodded. “You can come in with me if you want.” Maria nodded numbly in agreement. The rest of them sat there in shock for a moment. Then, suddenly, Alex jumped up and ran through the grass. Isabel jumped up from her own seat and raced after him.

Maria started to get up, too, but Michael put a hand on her arm to hold her back down. “Let them go,” he told her. “Isabel will take care of him.” She nodded at him and wrapped her arms around him, hiding her face in his shoulders. Michael ran his hands through her short hair, trying to comfort her as best he could. “It’s all right,” he whispered. “You’ll see her tonight, it’ll be OK.”

Max watched them, marveling at how much they had all changed in these few short weeks. Maria had become frightened, more vulnerable. Suddenly the things she used to find fun in had turned scary and overwhelming. Michael, in the same way, hadn’t made a single wisecrack since the news. He had turned into a more quiet, contemplative person, one who had actually learned to share the pain of others. Max would have been surprised at first to see him show this much concern over Liz Parker, but he knew Michael had grown something of a soft spot for the girl who had proven to be the first person in the world able to keep their secret. Now he held Maria comfortingly, trying to stop her pain.

Isabel, too, hadn’t been all too fond of Liz at first, but Max knew she had come to think of her as her best girl friend. Keeping herself distanced from everyone had prevented her from experiencing the pain of loss all her life, but now she felt it, and it hurt. She was also trying to shield Alex, the sensitive one of the group. He was taking this hard, as should be expected. Liz was one of the two people he had trusted his entire childhood. Isabel’s maternal instinct was taking over as she tried to help Alex deal with all of this.

And then there’s me, Max thought. The leader. The one everyone comes to with their problems. And I’m the worst off of all. There was no one to comfort Max. No one to hug him and tell him it would be all right. Instead, that was his job. To comfort Liz throughout all of this. God, Liz... he didn’t even want to begin to think about how much all of this was changing her. If he thought the rest of them had it hard, he only needed to think of her, lying alone in her hospital room, and he felt instantly guilty.

***

Isabel finally ran out to the hill overlooking the school to find Alex standing there, holding a rock. “Alex?” she called tentatively.

He turned to her, a wild look in his eyes. Suddenly he raised his hand and heaved the rock as far as he could down the hill. “It isn’t fair!” he shouted. “Dammit, why is this happening? Why?”

Isabel’s hands hung at her side helplessly. “I don’t know.” She was shocked, frightened even, to see him like this. As long as she had known him, he had never, ever raised his voice. Now she realized all the pain he was holding in was coming out. Tentatively, she reached out a hand to touch his shoulder. He turned to her and wrapped his arms around her, sobbing.

***

May 9

Dear Journal,

It’s started. I’ve been praying for the past three weeks that I wouldn’t get sick. At first I thought maybe I would get lucky. But then this past week I knew it would hit me. I’ve just been even more tired that usual, and dizzy sometimes. Just stuff like that. But then all of a sudden I got really sick. And I feel worse every day. The doctors said I would be dehydrated because I puke like 24 hours a day. I’m always thirsty, but I can’t keep anything down! It’s horrible. I can hardly stay awake for more than an hour at a time, either. Max came to see me the first day I got sick. I was hoping and hoping he wouldn’t, but he did; he always does. I didn’t want him to find me like that. I didn’t want him to see what was happening. For some reason, he’s not scared off yet. He still comes to see me every day. Not that I remember any of it, because I usually fall asleep right after dinner. I feel so horrible for doing this to him. He’s on a leave of absence from work for who knows how long. He doesn’t see his family at all anymore. And why? Usually when he comes I’m either asleep or sick. But he still comes. Always.

***

The months passed. Spring turned into summer, and everyone graduated. Liz’s parents had spent many tiring hours in the administration office of the school, arguing over whether Liz should pass her current grade or not. School officials argued that she still had a lot of work to make up, but the Parkers reminded them that before her illness, Liz had been number one in her class. Finally, the administrators gave in, and Liz graduated with the rest of her class.

Summer meant nothing special to Max. As a child, the school years seemed endlessly long. The start of summer vacation was something he dreamed about for weeks. When it came, it took him a while to adjust to the fact that he had three whole months to do nothing. Three months of going to the pool with Isabel. Going to their vacation home in Colorado. Sleeping in as late as he wanted. Now all summer meant to him was more time to spend in the hospital. Summer, yes. Vacation, no.

Then summer, too, had passed, and school had started again. Everyone was moving forward, except for Liz. She was still stuck in the same place she had been since April. But it would be a lie to say that she hadn’t changed. Liz had changed more in those few months than she ever thought possible. Physically, she was hardly even recognizable. Max had hoped she wouldn’t be too affected by her treatment, but she had had a violent reaction to it ever since the beginning. She had always been thin, but over the past few months her weight had dipped to below 80 pounds. Her skin was a pale, pale white, not the healthy color it had once been. Her eyes, those huge brown eyes, stood out from her face like headlights on a car. They could pierce right through a person’s soul. Even more drastic than the physical change was the emotional change that had occurred. Liz was not the same person she had entered the hospital as. She hardly spoke, but maybe that was because she was never awake to do so. Her life was now measured in blood counts, in heart rates and machinery. Things that would have been a big deal to her, such as schoolwork, seemed unimportant. She knew now what was really important, and she clung to those things desperately.

Max sat at Liz’s bedside, watching her sleep peacefully for once. He realized that no matter how long she had been sick, he would never get used to it. He would never get used to seeing her this way. The only thing to do was pray that she would get better, and soon. The longer she stayed like this, the more he realized that her life was in serious danger. That she was balancing on an unsteady edge. He knew that she was hanging on to life with a thin, frayed rope, and anything could happen at anytime and snap that rope in half.

This past week had been especially bad. The doctors had decided to run some more tests to see if the treatment was having the desired effect. Max felt sick with worry when he thought of what the results might be. What if it wasn’t working? Then what would they do? He knew the doctors were worried as well. By now, the treatment should be working. If the tests showed no change, no one knew what path to take next.

“Max?”

He gave a start, realizing that the voice came from the bed. “Liz! You’re awake.”

She struggled to sit up, and he automatically reached for her pillow to help her. “What time is it?” Her voice sounded dry and parched, a result of the treatment she had been having. Her throat was chronically dry, and she was constantly drinking water to try to help it, but it was no use. An IV of fluids had been given to her so that she wouldn’t be as dangerously dehydrated as before, but it still didn’t help her throat. Max swallowed as he realized how undernourished her body was. She had become severely anemic as well from the lack of food in her body. That was one reason why she was so tired, the doctors explained. Dehydration and anemia were not helping her already grim situation at all. Max swallowed in anger as he once again asked himself why all of this was happening to her. Why can’t she just be left alone? “Max?”

He realized she had been waiting for an answer. “Oh,” he said, checking his watch. “It’s, uh, 7:45.”

“Almost time for Dawson’s Creek,” she joked, knowing that he hated the show as much as she did.

He laughed. “You wanna watch TV?”

“No, actually, I’d just like to talk. If that’s OK with you.”

“Sure,” he agreed happily. It was rare that Liz was even awake enough to talk. “Just don’t strain your voice too much, OK?”

“Right.” She took his hand in hers and toyed with his fingers absently. “So, back to school,” she said softly. He nodded, not knowing what to say exactly. “How is it?”

“Oh, you know. Nothing special. Just...normal.”

She nodded sadly. “Normal. Yeah, I know.” She sighed. “God, I wish I could get back to ‘normal.’”

He mentally kicked himself. “Liz, you w--”

“No, Max, it’s OK. Sorry. Just...” she smiled. “Forget it. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

He nodded again. Better to just let it go than to dwell on it.

“God, I can’t believe we’re halfway through September...” her voice trailed off. “Max.”

“Yeah?” he stared at her. She had an odd expression on her face, as if she had just made a revelation of some kind.

“Do you know what day it is?”

“It’s ah...September eighteenth. So?” Suddenly it hit him like a smack in the face. “Oh, my God! That’s right.”

It’s September 23. I’m Liz Parker, and five days ago I died.

“The day you saved me,” she said softly.

He squeezed her hand gently. “You know, that was the best thing I ever did in my life. It was crazy...against every rule we had ever made for ourselves. But look where it’s gotten us.”

Liz nodded thoughtfully. “Max, I don’t know what I would do right now without you in my life.”

He ducked his head shyly. “Liz, you’d be fine...”

She shook her head. “No, Max, really. You saved me. But you didn’t just save my life that day. You’ve saved me a thousand times since then. And now...” she took a deep breath. “I guess I never told you how much it means to me, you being here every day.”

He looked into her eyes. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, Liz.”

“Thank you,” she whispered.

They stared at each other for a moment, each silently thanking God that the other was sitting with them at that time. Then Liz cleared her throat and looked away. “Well,” she said. “Since it’s such an important day, I think this calls for a celebration. What do you say we have a nice toast of apple juice?”

He laughed. “I couldn’t have come up with anything better myself.”

She picked up the buzzer next to her bed and rang for the nurse. Not two seconds after she had released the button, the door handle turned. “Wow, that was fast--” she began, then stopped when the door opened fully. “Mom! Dad! What are you doing here?” she asked in confusion. “I thought you went home for the day.”

“Dr. Jacobs called us,” her mother told her breathlessly. “She said there was something important we all needed to hear.”

Max felt his insides freeze. The tests...

Liz looked stricken. “Something important?”

Just then the doctor walked in. “Mr. and Mrs. Parker.” She nodded at them. Then her gaze turned to the bed. “Max.”

Max stood up. “I think it would be best if I left you alone. This is probably a family thing.”

He started for the door when suddenly Mr. Parker spoke up. “No, Max, stay.” Max looked at him in surprise as he continued. “I mean, after all, you’ve stayed here with Liz as much as Nancy and I have. Hell, you’ve probably been much more help than we have. I think it’s only fair that you hear this with the rest of us.”

Max nodded and sat back down in his chair. Liz gave him a small smile, but the fear still shone from her eyes. He tried to reassure her with his own eyes, but he knew he couldn’t disguise his own fear. They all turned to Dr. Jacobs, eager to hear the news.

She cleared her throat. “As you know, we’ve been running tests on Liz to see how the treatment has been working. And now it looks as if we’re finally getting somewhere.” She smiled.

The room was dead silent for a minute as everyone sat in shock. Finally Liz’s voice broke the silence. “You mean...you mean it’s...”

Dr. Jacobs nodded with a laugh. “Yes, Liz. The treatment appears to be doing it’s job. Now we’re not through yet,” she cautioned before they got to excited. “The cancer is still there, but it’s greatly reduced in size. But,” she continued, “it looks like you could be out of here before Thanksgiving.”

Max watched Liz, still unable to form coherent thoughts. It’s working...Liz is getting better...Liz is coming home...Liz is going to live, she’s going to be okay...

Mrs. Parker gave a small sob. “Oh, God,” she whispered, half laughing, half crying with elation. “My baby is coming home.” She and Mr. Parker ran to the bedside and literally smothered Liz with hugs and kisses all over. Liz, too, was laughing and crying all at once.

“Mom, Dad, stop! Oh my God, I can’t believe it. Mom!”

Mrs. Parker finally stepped back. “Sorry,” she said wiping her eyes. “I’m just so happy...”

Liz looked over at Max, who had been watching the entire scene with a look of utter shock and happiness on his face. “Max,” she said, reaching for his hand, “I’m coming home! I’m getting better and I’m getting out of here and...and I’m coming home!”

He stood up. “Liz, oh my God, I don’t believe it...oh God...” He laughed at his own inability to form full sentences. His mind was shooting out in a thousand directions. Suddenly he grabbed her and swept her up in the biggest bear hug he could manage. He heard her giddy laughter in his ear and felt her tears of happiness on his neck. Tightening his arms around her, he vowed to never, ever let her go.

...I’m Liz Parker, and five days ago I died. But then the really amazing thing happened.

I came to life.

***

The next month passed in a flurry of activity. Max felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He couldn’t believe that after all the months of tears and prayers, Liz was finally coming home. To stay. Her parents had been furiously cleaning every corner of the house to make it look good for her homecoming. They had gotten her room ready for her to come and stay once again in it. Dozens of flower arrangements from friends and family were scattered around the house.

The entire gang had gone to visit Liz once they heard the news. They had brought a small cake, which she couldn’t eat, but hadn’t minded watching them enjoy it. Max smiled from his spot next to her bed as Liz clutched his hand. Maria was on the other side of her, babbling away excitedly. Michael stood behind her, his hands on her shoulders, wearing a rare look of contentment. Alex and Isabel had placed chairs at the foot of the bed and both had looks of bliss on their faces. Max looked around the room with Liz at the center, and realized that finally their group was complete. They hadn’t all been together since before she went into the hospital. Up until now the nurses had refused to let that many visitors in her room at once, but in light of the good news, they had agreed to let them all in to see her. They were under strict orders not to keep it too long, however, because Liz was still in extremely bad physical shape. Once the “reunion” was over, everyone piled into Maria’s car while Max stayed for a few minutes more. He gave her hand another squeeze. She looked up at him and smiled. “Thanks for getting everyone here. That was the most fun I’ve had in months.”

He laughed. “Liz, it didn’t take any work on my part. They would have stormed the hospital with machine guns if they hadn’t been allowed in.” She laughed. “We’ve missed you,” he said softly.

A choked feeling clogged her throat, but she quickly cleared it to get rid of it. “Thanks.” She gave a huge yawn.

Max checked his watch. “Listen, it’s pretty late, and this has been a pretty big day. What do you say I leave now and let you sleep?”

“OK,” she agreed reluctantly. She didn’t want him to go, but she knew as soon as she laid her head on the pillow, she would be out like a light. The day’s activities had thoroughly exhausted her.

He stood up and brushed her forehead with a kiss. “Goodnight,” he whispered, pulling the covers up to her chin.

She burrowed under them happily and whispered, “Goodnight, Max.” Her eyes fell shut as he reached the door and, with one look back at her, quietly closed it behind him.

***

Almost a month later, Max jogged up the steps of the hospital building for what was to be one of the last times. His lips curled into a smile at the thought of not having to come back here any more. Six more days... he thought to himself. Six more days and it would all be over. Well, not really. Max knew all the facts. He knew that Liz would have to come back frequently for checkups and follow-up treatments. He also was aware that she had to be in remission for five years to really be considered “cured,” and that she could slip out of remission at any time. But on that crisp, sunny November afternoon, he didn’t want to think about any of that. All he could focus on was the thought that in a few days, Liz would be back home where she belonged.

Traveling the hospital hallways by memory, he smiled a hello to the nurses and rounded the corner. The hospital staff knew him by name, although he was often just referred to as “Liz’s guy.” Liz had informed him a while ago that two of the nurses had hopeless crushes on him. “Maybe I’ll take them out to dinner sometime downstairs in the cafeteria,” he had joked. He smiled at the memory as one of the nurses, Julia, passed him and gave him a wink. Shaking his head in amusement, he pushed open Liz’s door. All other thoughts were pushed out of his head when he saw her. “Hey,” he grinned. It seemed as though he never stopped smiling lately. He figured he was catching up on all the happiness he had missed over the last few months.

Liz, who was lying on her side, turned to face him. “Oh, hi, Max.” She struggled to sit up. Her eyes lit up when she saw him, but Max saw that it wasn’t the same glow that had been in them before.

“Liz? You okay?” he asked. He noticed the beads of perspiration around her forehead.

“Oh, yeah. Just hot, I guess.”

“You want me to open the window?” he asked, moving over to it.

“Sure,” she agreed. Her voice was low and quiet today. Max opened the window, watching her the whole time. Something was different about her, something that he couldn’t quite place.

Once he was done, he sat back down beside her. “Are you sure you’re all right, Liz?”

“Max, I’m fine. I’m just kind of tired today.”

“Okay,” he answered cautiously. The room fell silent again. Liz closed her eyes, resting her head against her pillow. Max sat in his usual space, just thinking to himself. The silence stretched on. Finally, after many long minutes of stillness, Liz sneezed. “Bless you,” Max said automatically.

“Thanks.” She turned towards him again. He looked down at her, and he could still see the strange glow in her eyes. “Max, I’m sorry for always falling asleep on you. I know it can’t be too much fun sitting here while I’m just lying in bed.”

“Liz, what are you--” he stopped, seeing the look on her face. She looked as if she were about to cry. “Liz, what about you? I know it can’t be fun for you to lie in bed all day. My job is nothing. I don’t like seeing you like this, I’ll admit that. But I’d go back and do it all again if it’ll bring me to where I am today.”

“And where exactly is that?” she whispered.

“Right here with you,” he told her. “Sitting next to you, knowing that soon everything is going back to normal.”

“No, Max,” she whispered. “It’s never going back to normal.”

“Liz, stop--”

“No!” she cried. “Don’t you see? Everything has changed. Everything is different. I don’t even know who I am anymore, Max. And I’m sick of being in this damn hospital and I just want to go home so I can start living my life again. But it won’t be the same. When I go home, I won’t be able to eat a huge Thanksgiving dinner with everyone else. I won’t be working the early morning shift at the Crashdown. While everyone else is complaining about how tight their belts are, I’ll be trying to get mine tight enough to stay around my waist. It won’t be the same at all. It won’t...”

“But you’ll be home, Liz,” Max told her. He was really worried now. Why was she saying those things? Her cheeks had become flushed.

“No, I won’t...it won’t be home...” she whispered.

He wanted to scream. What was wrong with her? Was this some kind of psychological thing that all patients went through? “Liz, please, you’re scaring me,” he begged her. “Please just get some rest--” he moved a hand to brush back a strand of her sweaty hair and jerked his hand back.

She was burning up.

“Liz! Oh, my God.” He scrambled to his feet. No wonder she had been saying those things. She must have been delirious. “Shit,” he whispered. “Shit, shit, shit.” He chanted it over and over again furiously. Liz couldn’t get sick. Not now. But she was; her temperature was frighteningly high and her eyes were bright with fever.

She moved restlessly. “It’s so hot, Max...”

“I know, Liz. You’re burning up. I’ll call the nurse, they’ll cool you down.”

“No,” she whispered, shivering. “Don’t do that, it’s too cold in here...” She glanced around. “The window, why is the window open? I’m so cold, Max...” Her teeth were chattering as she tried to pull the blankets back around her.

Max looked down at her, trying not to cry. Why was this happening to her now? He picked up the buzzer and rang frantically for the nurse again and again. Dammit, where are they? He pressed the buzzer impatiently.

Just then, a nurse poked her head in the door. “Max? Is there a problem?”

“Get someone in here now!” he screamed.

Taking in the scene before her, she whipped around. “I need some help in here! Get Dr. Jacobs!”

In seconds, the room was filled with doctors, technicians, anybody that would fit. They crowded around Liz, pushing Max out of the way. He stumbled back, unable to take his eyes off of the horror unfolding in front of him. Strong arms lifted Liz onto a gurney and an oxygen mask was slipped over her face. Random words floated over to where Max was standing and he processed them in bits and pieces. Fever...infection...ICU... He stood rooted to the spot. All the happiness he had felt earlier was gone. He realized with a sinking feeling that the end was not so near, after all.

November 28

Dear Liz,

I’m writing this for you since you can’t write it yourself. I know you like to have things recorded in here. Don’t worry, I didn’t read anything. I wouldn’t do that. Not if you don’t want me to.

You’ve been pretty sick, Liz. An infection. They have you in the Intensive Care Unit and no one except for your parents are allowed in. I’m allowed to sit outside of the windows of the unit, though, so that’s what I’ve been doing. That’s where I am now. I’m watching you in there and I can’t remember ever feeling this scared in my entire life. There are tubes and wires poking out everywhere, and they’ve got you on a respirator to help you breathe. I told them you didn’t need it, that you could breathe on your own, but they didn’t listen to me.

Everyone has been in here to see you. Maria and Alex came in together. They were really upset when they saw you. Then Michael and Isabel showed up and they took them home. Michael brought you a teddy bear. He’s getting better at the gift thing (although I think Maria helped him pick it out). But it was his idea. He wanted to do something since we’re kind of at a loss. We’re all in shock here. Everyone’s praying for you, Liz. They’re praying that you’ll get better. You have to. I know you’re coming out of here. This stupid disease is not going to beat you. I am so sick of this fucking cancer taking over your life like this. We’re all behind you. You’ve got enough doctors working on you to take care of the entire state of New Mexico, and every single person you know is praying for you every day. You will get better, Liz.

***

Max stopped and looked over what he had written. Shutting the book, he set it down and stood up so that he was staring straight at her. You will get better... Deep down he doubted whether or not it was true. She had to get better, but right now things were not looking good on her side. This goddamn cancer had thrown her too many loops to be sure that she would recover. Max curled his fists in anger. How could this be happening? They were so close... The cancer was gone! Gone! Everything was so perfect, and then suddenly this damn infection had slammed her back into the ICU. Angrily, he turned and slammed his fist into the wall. “Why?” he shouted to no one in particular.

“Max?” he heard a voice behind him and turned. Alex and Michael stood there, looking uncertain. Alex came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. “You all right?” He looked through the window to where Liz was, and Max saw his jaw tighten slightly.

Max straightened up and cleared his throat. “Yeah, I guess. I just can’t deal with all of this. Sorry.”

Michael was staring into the room, unable to take his eyes off the girl laying in the bed. His face was a mixture of shock and disbelief. Forcing himself to look away, he cleared his throat as well. “Yeah, well, it’s not an easy thing to get used to. C’mon.” With that, he led Max down the hall, despite Max’s protests. “Maximus, you’ve gotta eat. I know you haven’t done anything but sit here the past few days. We’re worried about you, man. We all are.”

“It’s not me you should be worried about,” Max muttered under his breath.

Michael heard anyway. “We know, Max. But there’s not anything we can do for Liz right now.”

“You, however,” Alex broke in, “need to take care of yourself.”

Max shook his head. “I don’t care what happens to me anymore.”

Continued next page...

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