spoilers: VLV
category: Michael POV; M&M
summary: Michael talks about healing
disclaimer: not mine, not no way, not no how

Watching her on stage was like a dream come true for me. To see her happy because of something I did was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I didn’t know that one small girl could make all the difference in my life. I didn’t know that this earth could produce anything so beautiful or special as Maria.

I told Max that he couldn’t heal me, that he didn’t know how to begin to heal the wounds of the bitter battles I have fought. Max used to know me better than anyone. Without a word he accepted me, let me into his house and comforted me. He was my best friend, my brother. Sometimes I even thought I felt more. But I guess when you are brought up to think your worthless, you will love the first person who tells you you’re not.

But Max never told me, he never told me that I meant anything to me, he never told me that he couldn’t live without me. I knew that I’d die without him, I’d already be dead if he hadn’t been there to save my ass every time I fucked up. But he had never said anything.

She had. Maria had kissed me and babied me. As much as I struggled, as much as I fought with her, she was my salvation, she was my healer. Maria did more for my soul than Max ever could. I know she is the only one who can heal me, the only person who can heal me.

Because I am a person. Whether I like it or not I am not a god, I am not even an alien. I am Michael Guerin and I am in love with her. A year ago I would not have believed I would fall in love with anyone, especially not a human. No, I was an alien and someday I was going to go home. But I know now that I don’t want to go home. Going home would create the biggest wound. And I wouldn’t have her to heal it.

I know I’ve been cruel, but I can’t change in a day. I’ve never had to depend on anyone, now I have given her everything, she owns me, has power over me. And cruelty is my only independence, the only thread I hold of my past life. If it were up to me, I would be kind to her every waking moment of my days on earth. But it isn’t. It’s still up to her. She makes me feel so alive that it scares me. She fixes everything wrong and makes it perfect, and perfection is immoral.

So my last shred of dignity is my cruelty. But today, today I wasn’t even mean for independence. I was mean to her because I had Michael business to do. I had a mission. And I didn’t want her to see me that way. I didn’t want her to see the Michael I was while I stood at that table. I didn’t want her to see me punch anyone. I didn’t even want her to see me in jail. But she came. She saved my sorry ass once more.

But now I can make it up to her. I made her dream come true. I told her I was listening to her. I always listen to her, no matter what it is she says. Her voice calls to me, like a siren in the sea. It calls me out of my pain and sorrow and shows me light, I light I can’t find with her.

And now as I hear her sing I know she is singing for me. Every word, every letter, every note, it’s all for me. And I feel the wounds that I have had for so long, the scratches and bruises marring my soul, start to fade away. They start to close and I feel as if I am becoming a whole, not just pieces of the man I want to be. I want to be the type of man Maria can love, with her whole heart.

And someday I will be. If she knew that she was creating her own man, molding him with her own heart, she would laugh. She thinks I’m stubborn as a mule, but I guess I am. Still she has made me all I am. She has made me all I will become. She has healed my bleeding heart, and given me a home.

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