If
By Natalie (obriens@recoder.ca)
If
Rating: PG-15. Sexual acts are described but in a very non-hard core way.
Spoilers: Up to Independance Day.
Distribution: Same old song, give me your URL, I'll give you my story :) If
you've already done that with another fic feel free to have this one too :)
Disclaimer: Roswell belongs to the WB, Jason Katims and Melinda Metz.
Michael and Maria belong to each other
********
"If it's love, she said,
Then we're going to have to think about the consequences.
But she can't stop shaking
And I can't stop touching her"
********
Life was full of ifs. Maria DeLuca understood and respected this. There was little organization to the world, she had learned that at the ripe age of seven. Everything was left to chance or whims. The smallest things could alter the earth. This left a lot of room for ifs.
For example:
If her Mom hadn't called.
If Maria hadn't spent that extra moment checking her hair.
If Mr. Parker hadn't caught up with her, telling her to bring home dinner.
If Max and Liz hadn't been so wrapped up in what Isabel was saying.
If fear and anger hadn't caused Isabel's voice to carry over the nearly empty Café.
If the syllables of Michael's name hadn't caught her immediate attention.
If, if, if...
If Maria hadn't walked back into the Crashdown after her shift was over, if someone had noticed her presence, if she had made a sound...
If any little thing had been changed Maria would never had known Michael had tried to leave her.
********
Isabel was still shaken by how close they had come to losing Michael. She couldn't keep the tremble from her voice. "I was just so scared, Max. If Michael hadn't decided to come back we might never have seen him again."
Liz tried her best to comfort the distraught girl. "But Michael did come back. That's the important thing. He couldn't leave."
Max didn't seem to be in much better shape then Isabel. "You should have seen him at the trailer, after he got released from the station. He told me to say goodbye, I couldn't but it seemed so easy for him. He was just going to leave us and never come back."
Embarrassment and shame filled Maria at their words. She could not contain the sound that escaped her lips. Maybe it was a gasp, maybe a name. Her own voice sounded alien to her as she realized how wrong she really could be.
Her body tightened with embarrassment for until that moment if someone had asked her about Michael, the mere sound of his name on someone else's lips would have made her smile. Embarrassment because she had been stupid enough to think things had changed. At the police station he had been quiet but she hadn't minded because when he did turn to her his eyes whispered so many things, the least of which was the ‘Thank you." that escaped his lips. He had taken her face into his hands, cupping her chin with his rough fingers. His dark eyes searched her face, mind, soul. Then he walked away. She had smiled as he walked away. She thought she finally understood him. She had seen hope but it was really a goodbye.
Shame was a close cousin to embarrassment. Shame that she had believed in promises he had even made. Shame that she had deluded herself so completely. Shame because the idea of Michael leaving caused bile to rise up in Maria's throat and she was sure she wasn't going to make it to the alley in time.
But she did and she leaned her hot forehead against the cool brick as she tried to get rid of all the pain in her through the cramps of her stomach. Any way to get these feelings out of her body.
A soft hand touched her forehead, another smoothing down her spine, holding Maria up as she retched. She vaguely realized that it was Isabel and Max. The hand on her back grew warmer and Maria felt the familiar prickle against her skin that meant one of them was using their powers. Isabel pushed her brother's hand away. "You can't heal this, Max."
Maria took a deep breath and recoiled from the smell she had made. Isabel kept her standing and Maria let herself relax against the larger girl for a moment. Isabel smelt like raspberries and made soothing noises as she rubbed Maria's back. It reminded Maria of how her own mother acted when she had come down with the chicken pox and Maria wanted to stay like that but anger soon gave her the strength to straighten up and stand on her own. Her eyes found Liz. "You weren't going to tell me, were you?" Guilt coloured Liz's face. Maria knew her answer.
"We thought it was for the best, Maria..." Maria turned her back on her best friend, moving slowly down the alley to the street. "Where are you going?" Liz called.
"Home." Maria answered, still walking away. They could believe her or not. She really didn't care. Home was left. Michael was right.
She turned right.
********
Maria didn't knock. She just barged right in. Michael looked up from his cornflake dinner on the couch. "What? Maria, what are you doing?" She didn't answer, just continued to the bathroom. She snatched Michael's toothbrush off the counter. She didn't care if it was gross, he could buy another. Michael, bewildered, not sure if he should be annoyed or happy to see her, followed her into the bathroom, watching her brush her teeth. She spit into the sink and put more toothpaste on the brush. She needed this taste out her mouth. She couldn't feel shaky and sick and still go into battle.
"Uh, Maria, have you gone nuts?" One final rinse.
"No, actually, I've never felt more sane." And with that, Maria punched Michael. In the stomach, as hard as she could. "I hate you!" She cried. "How could you? How could you be in my bed one night and try to leave town the next? I hate you!" Each word was punctuated with hard fists beating against Michael's chest.
His face contorted in pain. "Maria, stop. Stop!" He grabbed her wrists, pulling them above her head. He narrowly missed a chunky heel crashing down on his bare feet. "You're going crazy!"
"I'm crazy? What about you? What the hell were you thinking?" Her face was red and her eyes hurt from keeping tears back. She wouldn't cry. "Do you think you'd last one minute out there Michael? Without Max or Isabel? You can't even control your own powers and you sure as hell haven't had a job! How would you live, huh? A 16 year old kid without a high school diploma?" He dropped her arms, turning away.
"I'd manage."
"Oh sure, working at Texaco in some other flea bag ridden town will get you far. Oh, I'm sorry, that won't be happening will it? No, you'll just magically find Nascedo and he'll take you home on the good ship lollipop, right?"
"Maybe I would!" He shouted back. Michael hated explaining himself to people. He never had to before. He invaded her personal space trying to intimidate, backing her into a corner in the small bathroom. "Why the hell do you care?!?"
"Because I'm fucking in love with you, you bastard!" She pulled back her arm, as if to hit him again and he didn't even move to protect himself. He just stared at her. "Oh my God," She whispered. "What am I doing? I'm so sorry." Her resolution not to cry was broken as she rubbed his chest and stomach, everywhere she had hit him, trying to take any pain away. "I'm so sorry, I never should have done that. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-" He waited for her to take back what she just said, say it was a mistake, a lie, anything. "-hit you." She finished. Her eyes looked up at him, turned sea water green with her tears. She couldn't believe she had hit him, not after what she knew. "I'm so sorry, that was so wrong or me, I had no righ-" But then his mouth was crushed against her and she couldn't speak.
Her response was immediate. He pulled her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist, mimicking that first make-out session at the Crashdown. That night they went the farthest they ever went. The next day at school, they were back to just kissing. Lots and lots of just kissing. They had both been freaked out by the power of their own lust.
Tonight Maria was not scared.
Her hands worked between them, pulling Michael's shirt up and undoing as many buttons as she could reach. His skin burned her hands and it was so smooth. She wondered if aliens just couldn't get pimples. Michael's mouth, kissing her collarbone, then just above her breasts was threatening to take away all thought.
"Ow." Maria exclaimed. Michael had pressed her back into one of the handles of his bathroom cabinet.
Michael pulled away from her throat. "Sorry." He moved her away from the offending door and went back to giving her a hickey the size of Canada.
"Michael, the bed."
He pulled away once more. "What?"
She took his face in her hands and kissed him on the lips very softly, reverently. "The bed." He stared at her in shock for the second time that night.
"Do you mean-" He swallowed with difficult and his arms loosened from around her, allowing her to slid back onto the ground. Maria almost laughed. Tortured alien or not, Michael was acting all teenage boy at this moment. He tried to recover and act cool. "Yeah, one sec."
He didn't rush around or hurry. That, Michael Guerin would never do just for some girl. But he did pick up some dirty clothes and attempt to make the bed. It was just polite.
"Okay." He called. Maria came out of the bathroom. She knew that stopping even for a moment should have let her collected her thoughts, rethink this rash decision. But it didn't. She walked over to him without saying a word and reached for his kiss. Their lips were a hairbreadth away when he spoke. "Why? Why now? Why me?" He sounded so amazed that Maria wanted to cry. Instead she gave his question the careful thought it deserved. Why him? Why now? Being scared that he'd leave wasn't a good enough reason. Neither was being upset, angry or horny. She looked into his eyes, those dark eyes that held so many secrets, being an alien was, strangely enough, just the tip of the iceberg. She looked into those eyes for a long moment and Michael didn't even dare to breathe.
In his eyes, she found her answer. "Because I love you."
He didn't reply, he didn't say the words back. He just laid her down gently on his small single bed and tried to show her how he felt the only way he knew.
He kissed her and did not stop.
*****************
For the second time in her life Maria woke up with a sleeping Michael beside her. Well third, if you counted making him lie on the floor of a nookie motel as sleeping with. A rush of pleasure filled her as she realized Michael was spooning her, one arm thrown over her side, just brushing the top of her breast. Being spooned by Michael... She sighed with satisfaction. Definitely had been on her top ten fantasy lists, like many other things they had done that night. In the dusky yellow light of the half moon and the dim streetlights Maria couldn't believe any of it was real. It was too.. Perfect. Maria didn't trust perfection.
Her stomach growled loudly, reminding Maria that she never had any dinner. Oh My God! Dinner! Her mom had wanted her bring home dinner! Shit! She was so dead. Then Maria giggled, so much for perfection. She knew she should call or head home right away but she also knew she wouldn't. Something's were more important in life then being grounded. Even if it would be for the rest of her natural life. One of those things was curled around her body protectively. Maria snuggled into Michael's warm embrace, loving how his breath tickled her neck. She twisted around slowly so she could look at his face. He was so near and oh so touchable. And she could touch him, she was allowed. Because he was hers. Another small laugh left her, full of joy.
"What are you laughing at?" He whispered, not opening his eyes, pulling her tighter to his body.
"Opps, did I wake you?" She kissed his nose in apology. The thought flittered through her mind again. Mine.
"No." He opened his eyes. "I was awake. I just didn't want to move." Maria's heart constricted at his honesty. Trying to say ‘I love you' any way he could... She smiled into his eyes and pressed a delicate kiss against his lips. Then her stomach growled again. Loudly.
He gave her a little half smirk. "I guess that means we have to move."
She shook her head. "Nope, just me. I think I hear the cornflakes calling." She regretfully left his arms, covering her nakedness with his poor abused button-up shirt. She hoped he knew how to sew cause she didn't.
Munching happily on the milk covered cornflakes Maria sauntered back into Michael's small room. He sat, with his back to the wall, watching her as she looked over the sparse contents that made up his home. A large laundry bag filled with dirty clothes, a small basketball net Alex had given him to go on the back of his door, a clock radio, a housewarming gift from the Evans. She wondered if he'd start getting to school on time now.
"What are you doing?" He wanted her back in the bed with him. Not that he minded the view he was getting. She had only buttoned the bottom buttons of his shirt and he rather liked the way if fit on her, hitting her at mid thigh. How could someone so small have such long legs? Just another thing that drove him crazy about her. Made him crazy about her.
"Snooping." She set the cereal bowl down on his small dresser that was evidently acting as a makeshift bookshelf. An old dog-eared copy of James Joyce's Ulysses, Thomas Hardy's Jude the Obscure, Catcher and the Rye. Half the reading list of AP English. She opened a book of poetry, flipping through it by the light of the lamppost outside Michael's window.
"I have another personal question for you." She announced.
He groaned in mock annoyance. "Don't you ever give up?"
She grinned. "Nope." Lucky for him.
A light smile touched his lips. "What the question?"
"What's your favourite poem?"
"You had to pick a tough one, eh? That's like asking what the best Metallica song is. Too many good ones to choose from, each for a different mood."
"Well, just read me one of your favourites." She came close to the bed, holding the book out to him. He took it from her fingers and let it drop to the floor, wrapping his arms around her middle, pulling her onto the bed. "I'll do better, I'll show you." He flipped her over so that she was on her back while he rested on his side, head propped up on his elbow, taking in the sight of her.
He slid his body closer until she could feel his light chest hairs tickle her arms and his hip bone pressed lightly into her side. He kissed her nose, it was small and upturned and he knew he was gone because he thought she was beautiful even when she sneezed. "I like my body when it is with your body," He whispered, running his free hand over the length of her thigh. "It is so quite new a thing." He traced the muscles of her arm, placing a kiss against the softness of the inside of her elbow. He was amazed at this gift, amazed that she let him touch her. "Muscles better and nerves more." He kissed the slope of her neck, feeling her pulse beat against his lips in a reassuring pattern. "I like your body," Smoothing a kiss onto the valley between her breasts he licked the salt off her skin. She moaned at the warm moistness of his mouth. "I like what it does." His fingers cupped her and her body responded to his words and caresses, pupils dilating, breath becoming shorter. Her every exhalation was a gift. "I like it's hows. I like to feel the spine of your body and it's bones." He unbuttoned the three buttons that keep his shirt on her, noting with a small grin that they were the only buttons left. He rested his head against her uncovered stomach, soft and white. One hand curled protectively around the curve of her belly. He ran the other lightly up and down her side, leaving trails of goose bumps at every touch. "And the trembling-firm-smoothness and which I will again and again and again kiss." Maria laughed softly at the butterfly light kisses raining down on her stomach, punctuating every word.
He cherished the feminine differences of her satiny skin and mysterious curves. He wished he could be poet for her but he had never been good at expressing himself, another's words would have to do. He pulled himself up to look in her eyes once more and his face was so soft and young that Maria thought her heart might break in the best possible way. He pressed his lips to hers, sharing texture and breath in a chaste kiss that sang. He pulled away, a mischievous grin lighting up his face. Maria ruffled his bed hair and let herself laugh for all and no reason. His breath rumbled against her neck, breast, stomach. "I like kissing this and that of you." Then his mouth was exactly where Maria wanted it to be. Her cries rained against his ears like rose petals and Michael could not bring himself to finish the poem.
He would tell her later. There would be a later, he promised himself. Her small hands tangled up in his hair and he wished for all the laters and tomorrows and forevers in the world.
********
"And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and
- Counting Crows, Anna Begins
The End