Summary: Michael comes to a conclusion about his relationship with Maria.

Rating: PG-13 for language.

Spoilers: Mild ones for ID.

Disclaimer: Not mine. I’m just playing around with one of the character’s head, but I promise to put him back as good a new. Honest.

Author’s notes: Partially inspired by the Amanda Marshall song I’ll Be Okay. This is my first Roswell fic, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Also, special thanks to Christianne and Gwinya for being great beta readers and pointing out some of my obvious grammar and spelling mistakes. :o)

Distribution: Please ask me first. I usually say yes, but I like to know where my stuff is going.

***

You know that saying, "You’ll never truly miss something until it’s gone?" Or something similar to that? Well, tonight I fully realized the full meaning of that saying.

You see, tonight I realized that Maria DeLuca is not mine anymore.

I don’t know, maybe she wasn’t mine to begin with. We did date briefly after my emancipation, but I had to be a jerk and push her away. Focusing on finding Nasedo and getting answers about where I came from had to be my top priority. I couldn’t let her get in the way of that. I couldn’t let her make me feel things I shouldn’t be feeling. She made me feel human, and I couldn’t have that.

Boy, was she pissed when I tried to push her away. She yelled things at me that her pretty mouth should never utter. One of her less obscene remarks was that I was an "unemotional alien who wouldn’t know how to treat people even if there was an instruction manual."

This stung because it was true. I’m not the sensitive, caring guy Max is, or the charming and funny Alex. I’m Michael Guerin, screwed up beyond redemption. I never want Maria to see how truly fucked up I really am.

In between one of her spiels on how I wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit me in the ass, I finally shouted at her that I needed to find Nasedo, needed to find my answers. Still, she continued to argue with me, saying that she could help with the search, anything as long as we were together.

In frustration, I screamed that I didn’t want her help, that I needed to do this myself, and that I didn’t need her to be getting in the way. I didn’t want attachments and I didn’t want her.

That was probably the moment I broke her heart. Again.

She grabbed her coat and walked out of my life. Sure, I saw her at school and at the Crashdown. Maria even covered for Max and me when we "borrowed" Valenti’s truck. But it wasn’t the same. She didn’t look at me like she used to. Like I was special, that I was worth all the hassles.

Now her expression is blank whenever her gaze falls on me. She doesn’t even fight with me anymore, which is truly disturbing. Instead, she nods and looks at something else, leaving me feeling empty and alone.

I caused this, I know that, but damn it all, I miss her. I miss the way her face used to light up whenever I walked into the room. I miss how she just knew when I needed silence to figure things out, and how she was always there when I needed her. I miss our fights and the ways we would make up afterwards. I miss her.

It’s too late now. She’s moved on to someone who deserves her.

I look over to where she is standing with him, Jake something-or-other. He’s new in town and he took an immediate interest in Maria. After one date she took an interest in him. Looking at them, laughing and touching each other, I couldn’t help but feel sad. It should be me that puts a smile on her face, to know that she’s ticklish right below her ribs, to know what it feels like to wake up with her in my arms...

Tearing my eyes away from the two lovebirds, I glare down at the table. Max and Isabel are having a conversation which I had long ago blocked out. I start tearing my napkin up into tiny bits, all the while sneaking glances over at the couple. After the fifth glance I couldn’t take it anymore and I walked out of the Crashdown.

I started walking towards my apartment, thoughts of how to murder Jake something-or-other and get away with it were filling my mind, when Max called out my name. I turned and saw him hold up a set of keys. I walked over to him and grabbed them.

"Thanks."

"No problem. Michael..." There, in his eyes, are the endless questions. Am I okay? Am I going to crack sometime soon?

I sigh and run my hand through my hair. "I’ll be okay, Max. Just...just give me time."

He stares at me for a long moment, then nods. Giving me a small smile of understanding, he turns and walks back into the restaurant.

"I’ll be okay." I tell myself this as I start walking again. Who knows, maybe after the first million times I keep saying this, it may actually come true.

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