***

He didn’t know which direction he was walking in, but it really didn’t matter when his destination was nowhere in particular. The streets all looked the same in the small desert town at 3 am anyway. It was another sleepless night. Another night where his thoughts multiplied on each other and threatened to drive him insane. He’d always been a thinker. The rational one, the guy who thought things through and made sure stuff was done right. Now his mind seemed to turn on him. Filling his head with so many horrific scenarios he couldn’t possibly close his eyes for a few moments. Images and feelings of his worth amongst his friends dwindling into non-existence. Fearing that he wasn’t needed and that they couldn’t have him around any longer. He didn’t know why it scared him so much. They all had pretty much been proving his fears to be true these last few weeks. Endless choruses of

“Sorry, Alex, but you can’t help us. It’s too dangerous, we don’t what you to get hurt.”

Sure he may not have been able to help out if anything ever got too physical. Physical in the sense of alien power toaster wars anyway. He could have given a hand in other ways. He was good at the other stuff. Not everything was about the supposed war he couldn’t be risked being involved in. But they wouldn’t let him. It was for his own good they said. Ha. If any one of them had known he took these little early morning escapades, challenging the possibility of being attacked by a ‘skin’ because he knew them. They probably would have told him to stay inside his house too. That he couldn’t go out at all. Danger Will Robinson, danger.

He sighed and stopped for a second to lean against a lightpost. He stared at the café from across the street. Instinct always seemed to lead him here, though he hadn’t gone in the place in about a week. It was just denials of his offers to help, and having his heart ripped out of his chest every time he saw Isabel. While Liz would have noticed his missing presence long ago she was back in Max mode. Nothing else in the world seemed to register if it didn’t involve him. And since Alex was no longer dating his sister, he was now one of the faces that didn’t register. It stung, but what else was new?

He shook his head dejectedly and continued to walk down the street. His eyes focused on the motion of his shoes as he let his body take him wherever it wanted to go. A little while later when he’d actually lifted his head to see where he was he saw the house. Maria’s. He thought they’d grown even closer over the summer. Wrong again. Michael shed the jerk attitude and Maria was almost the same as Liz. He didn’t exist to her either. But that was okay. Same thing happened last year, and they eventually came around. What was it they said about history? It was always doomed to repeat itself right? He hoped so. Or at least he thought he did. How many times could one actually forgive their friends for constantly forgetting you? It had happened twice before. Once was when Liz and Maria had first discovered boys that weren’t him, and the second… Well you all know that one. He saw her bedroom light on. She never did like to sleep soundly that girl. Michael had probably snuck in, or she was on the phone with him. Alex knew the guy didn’t keep normal hours himself.

A few more minutes of reflection and it was time to move on again. He was overcome with a silent sense of self-pity on these little walks of his. But he never let himself cry. He didn’t think it was worth it. As he passed through the darkened the streets, he knew where he was headed. Even when he wasn’t paying attention to his location for hours on end he always knew he’d end up at her house. Twenty minutes later he was there. Staring at the Evans’s front door feeling like some deranged stalker. Every night he was tempted to toss pebbles at her window, like something out of some teen drama, and ask her to come down and talk to him. He knew better. She would come to the window, look at him like he was crazy and tell him to see her at a normal hour. A normal hour of more refusals and regrets. He couldn’t shake her from his head. She was in there. Permanently sewn into his thoughts and never having the slightest chance of unraveling. But that was okay too. Sometimes the thought of her is what kept the misery at bay though at times it also contributed to said misery. He’d had her once. Maybe history would repeat itself in that effect as well? That was kind of a 50-50 draw. One side being Isabel wanting him back, the other being Alex forgiving yet again. He was tired of having such a forgiving heart, but knew the second she even hinted at a reconciliation that’s exactly what he would do.

It had all built so much in his mind the last few hours. The reality of him being tossed aside again, of being left behind. He couldn’t take it. Didn’t want to take it, didn’t deserve to take it any longer. It was his choice to live with it. His choice…

He turned and ran. No longer wanting to dwell and needing as much distance between and him and that house. A house full of memories contaminated with the haunting new direction his thoughts seemed to go. The few precious afternoons of him in her room when she really smiled at him. When she really wanted him. It was short lived, but he did live it. Not lately. Not even reminiscing could help. The thoughts were tainted with his constant downward spiral of depression. Every time she had admitted she needed him was replaced with her saying she didn’t want him around. Every time she had kissed him was covered over with the image of her laughing in his face. She didn’t want him any longer. No one needed him any longer. He was no one, no one, no one…

He stopped sometime later doubling over and attempting to catch his breath. The exertion of the run silenced his fight with the dark recesses of his mind for tonight. It would be back, it always came back. When his breathing returned to normal, he looked around finding his surroundings vaguely unfamiliar. All the streets really did look the same at 3 am. He circled around attempting to find anything recognizable, but found nothing. He had no idea where he was. Typical.

Back to Area 51 (Section IV)