Crossroads

Crossroads
by Kara

“Jamie!” I tried not to squeal when I saw him, but I don’t think I was too successful.

“Haley!” He dropped his duffel bag and violin case in the middle of the jetway, picked me up and swung me around, not exactly the easiest thing for someone of his size to do. He set me back down and studied me. “You’ve gotten too thin.”

“Daddy’s using me as an exercise boy sometimes. And I was sick.” He was always worrying about me, no matter what I did. He was the perfect quasi-older brother and best friend in that respect. “Besides, you look like you haven’t been eating either.” At least he worried. That was more than I could say for Erik lately.

He smiled, his hazel eyes looking green in his pale face. “Dorm food still doesn’t agree with me, hon. That’s all.” At 5’4, Jamie looked like he barely weighed 120 pounds. He’d always been skin and bones and small for his age though. He was born premature, and he’d had health problems all his life, He understood getting sick. He was the only person I knew who was on a first name basis with all the doctors at the County hospital.

“I thought they were going to move you into an apartment. You’re a Senior. You shouldn’t have to live in the dorms like some underclassman.” Because he’d been so sick when we were little, Jamie’s mom had held him back when we were in second grade. He was in his final year at the big state college, studying music. He wasn’t exactly sure what he wanted to do, but as long as he could play his violin, he would be happy.

He shrugged, his dark brown hair falling into his eyes. “It’s better, anyways, since I have a single. I can practice whenever I want to without annoying anyone.”

“And you don’t have to worry about roommates messing up the miniatures you’re painting, or having a fit if you want to bring a girl home.” For the first time in our lives, he was finally taller than me, if only by two inches. Late growth had been kind to him. Dad was glad that I was as small as I was though, because it was easier on the horses when we trained them.

Jamie rolled his eyes. “What girls? After the last Beth, I’ve had it with women.”

“It’s not women that you have problems with, it’s just women named Beth. The last two were bitches, remember?” In high school, both of Jamie’s girlfriends had been Elizabeths. Both ended up walking all over him. Jamie wrote some really beautiful music after each breakup. Erik called them the Death to Beth suites.

“But this one was a Bethany. I thought she’d be different.” Jamie half-smiled. “Besides, you’re a Beth too.”

“No, I’m a Haley Beth. It’s completely different. My evil Bethness is only the secondary part of my nature.” At least both of us were having relationship problems. Jamie wasn’t as health conscious as Erik. He felt no qualms about dwelling on depression and eat double fudge brownie ice cream in our pajamas all day. Sometimes, Jamie was better than having a big brother or sister, because there were no family obligations to complicate our relationship.

He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. His lips barely touched my skin before he darted back. “I missed you, Haley.”

I put my arms around him, hugging him tight. “I missed you too, Jamie-boy.”

“So where’s your better half?” Jamie sat with his feet up on the dashboard, leaning out the window of my old Toyota Corolla. My car had once been red, but had faded to a kind of rusty-crimson color. Erik said that it looked like seven shades of blood, but he was in Medical school, so I could forgive him.

“His spring break is next week. He’ll be home then. Daddy’s heading up to the track to try out some of the new three year olds, so Erik’s going to have to help me with the mares.” And hopefully being around breeding would spark some interest back into our relationship.

I saw Jamie’s grin reflected in the rear view mirror. “Too bad your Dad’s gonna be gone. I’m surprised he’ll let you and Erik stay in the same house alone together.”

“I didn’t say Erik and I were gonna be left alone. Daddy’s going, but he’s leaving Mark and Annie here to keep an eye on us.” Even though Erik and I had been dating for almost three years now, Daddy still regarded him as the interloper. But then, Daddy hadn’t liked any of the guys I dated in high school either, so I knew that it was nothing personal. Dad just looked at me as the heir to the stud farm, and didn’t appreciate the fact that Erik would want to take me away to some city for science’s sake. He wanted to leave the farm in good hands—hands that cared about the stock and the horses like he did, or the way Erik would care about his patients as a doctor.

“Annie must be big now.” He caught my eye. “Is her hair still green?”

I touched my own straight, boring black hair. “Black now. She’s trying to recover our Native American roots.”

“At least she’s not going through that Goth phase anymore.”

That reminded me. “Faire’s this weekend. Wanna go?” I looked over at his face quickly before turning my attention back to the road.

Jamie grinned. “With bells on, milady.”

We finally turned off the highway and onto the dirt road that led to the house. Daddy always talked about paving it, but he didn’t have the heart to. It was his way of clinging to the past, of keeping the history of our farm alive. Dirt roads had a lot more romance to them too. Daddy was a big romantic, always talking about what lay down the road. I think part of it stemmed from the fact that he and Mom didn’t get along very well after the divorce, and he missed the companionship.

Even after alimony, Daddy still had enough money to afford it, but he thought it took away from the country charm of the house. He liked the old-fashioned white rail fences and country dirt roads, even if he did go for a hi-tech security system to protect his precious brood mares and breeding stock. Our family’s stable wasn’t a large one, but wanted to try training and racing a few thoroughbreds on the California tracks. He had a couple of maidens who had won at Santa Anita in Southern California, but nothing up here just yet. Most of the money came in from the boarders we kept, the horses that Annie and I trained, and Mark’s riding lessons. I was surprised how much the old families of the county were willing to pay for a soundly trained horse or a secure, clean stable.

As we pulled up to the house, the front door banged open and my siblings, Annie and Mark, raced down the porch steps to the car. The household pack of dogs followed at their heels, barking and squealing.

“Jamie! Jamie!” Annie had always had a crush on Jamie. She constantly told me that I picked the wrong guy to fall in love with. But she also figured that if I wasn’t dating a guy, she had free rein to hunt as she chose.

“Annie!” Jamie gave Annie a big hug. Annie was just a year younger than us, and they’d graduated in the same class. Neither he nor Erik had minded that she hung out with us at school, since Annie was pretty cool, even if she was going through one of her phases.

“So you’re an Indian now?”

Annie was wearing a white cotton sundress over blue jeans and birks, and she’d braided feathers and beads into her long hair. “That, or one of Mercedes Lackey’s Hawkbrothers.”

Jamie grinned. “Who’s the lucky guy who braided his feathers into your hair then, Ann?” My little sister had the decency to blush.

Annie wasn’t a bad soul. She was good with the horses, and didn’t even mind all the nights that Erik and Jamie and a few others had been over for our gaming sessions. She’d played a few rounds of Warhammer or AD&D with us, until she got found a new hobby of the week.

“Are you two going to Faire on Saturday then?” Annie looked as if she were trying not to sound interested.

“Depends.” I narrowed my eyes. “Do you want to go?”

She gave me a Look. “Down, girl. He’s not your boytoy.”

Little brother Mark chose that moment to step in. “Annie, why don’t you take the dogs inside?”

She glared at him. “Sending all the bitches off to the corner, huh?” She ran back inside, followed by half of the bounding and energetic pack.

I saw Mark mouth “PMS” at Jamie, and had to restrain myself from smacking both of them.

As we hauled Jamie’s luggage inside the house, Daddy had finally decided to make an appearance. He too greeted Jamie as a long-lost member of the family. “If it isn’t my second son.” Ever since Jamie’s parents had moved away, Dad considered Jamie an adoptive member of the family. He used to spend half of his summers here, helping to work the colts.

“Hey, Dad,” Jamie joked. He had no qualms about hugging Daddy. “I saw the new foals on the way in. You’ve got some beauties out there. That little chestnut filly looks like she’ll grow to be a racer, with those long legs.”

“That’s Annie’s Song’s second foal. The sire is a descendent of Man-O-War, so hopefully that’ll breed some stamina into the blood line. Song’s line produces beautiful babies, but they don’t have the strength.” Before Daddy could launch into another speech in praise of the great studs of the past, my little brother Mark managed to break his train of thought.

“So where are we gonna put Jamie, Dad? The blue room, or the yellow room?” At eighteen, Markie looked just like a miniature Daddy, right down to his dark brown hair and light brown eyes. He had the same light build that had given Daddy a bit of a name as a jockey back in the 60’s.

Daddy turned to look at me. “Haley?”

“Annie and I washed the sheets in the blue room yesterday. The cats have claimed the yellow room as theirs anyways.”

Some people said it was a waste of my bachelor’s for me to keep house and work the horses with Daddy. I enjoyed the work. It was honest, and real, and something that I could be proud of. Erik was always talking about how he would get us a housekeeper as soon as he’d finished paying off his college loans when he finished his residency. Of course, he also wanted to move as far away from our little town as possible. No big country homes for him.

When I went to grab Jamie’s suitcase, I brushed his hand by mistake. He deliberately reached out and took my hand back, squeezing it and giving me the gentle, trusting smile that I saw Daddy sometimes use on young foals he was training. Jamie understood. He loved the land and the horses as much as I did. His long, flexible fingers squeezed mine once more. We shared a smile before he let go. Why couldn’t Erik be as sunny and warm as Jamie? I loved Erik, and knew that part of love was compromise, but I couldn’t help wishing that sometimes Erik would be a little more receptive to me.

Erik called that night after dinner, complaining that everyone had left Dartmouth for a party in Vermont.

“Poor baby. So you’re the only one left in the whole state of New Hampshire?” Jamie grinned at me as he sat down on the arm of my chair, clicking our kitchen cordless on.

Erik started whining. “Mommy, I’m so lonely. Not even Jamie’s unsightly hump will talk to me or send me email.” He sniffled a few times for dramatics.

“Too bad you’re all alone in the cold too, bro. All that snow you guys had last week. And here we are, enjoying sunny skies in Northern California.” Jamie winked at me.

“Die, evil Jamie. Die.” Erik laughed. “I miss you, dude. Take care of my woman.”

I caught Jamie’s eye, and he gave me one of his sweet smiles. “I will, bro. I promise.” He clicked off his cordless phone and politely moved out of earshot so that we could say goodbye.

“So you’re gonna fly in next Friday?” I was looking forward to seeing him, since it had been a month since I saw him last.

“Actually, babe—“

“Actually?” Actually was a bad word. It was almost as bad as ‘but.’

“I need to stay here to work on an lab for anatomy. I’m sorry, hon, but it’s my grade, and if I don’t pass the class—“

I’m sorry was another evil phrase that I hated. But what could I say? School came first to Erik, and that was something I had to live with. “Could you fly in for a few days during the week then?” I tried not to whine.

“I’ll see, hon.” There was a muffled silence as he spoke to someone else in the room. “I gotta go, Haley. Alex needs the phone.”

Try not to sigh. Try not to sigh. “Okay. Talk to you tomorrow?”

“Of course, hon. Love you.”

And the phone clicked off. I threw the phone across the room. As it slammed into the wall, Jamie looked up in surprise.

“What’s wrong, hon?” He held out his arms. “C’mere.”

One of the nice things about hugging Jamie was that there was just enough of him for me to be able to wrap both of my arms around him. There might not’ve been a lot of him to hug, but his wiry muscles were able to squeeze someone tight enough to let her know she was safe, but not in danger of being crushed.

I couldn’t help burying my head in his shoulder. Stupid medical school. Why couldn’t he just work for his dad at the bank or something? “At least Erik’s happy.”

I felt Jamie’s hand rest lightly on my hair. “Erik’s living out his dream, hon.” It was true. Erik had wanted to save people’s lives since before he could talk.

“But when does he have time for me?” I wasn’t a princess, and I was trying hard not to sound like one, but damn it, I enjoyed some tenderness and spoiling now and then.

I felt Jamie’s chest rise and fall as he sighed. “That’s not a question you have to ask me, Haley. I’m not the best one to answer.”

That morning, I woke up as usual at six to Annie pounding on my door. “Wakey-Wakey, lovey. Time to feed!”

Evil sadistic bitch.

Once I managed to find my way into my work jeans and paddock boots, I propelled myself through the door, and managed to smack into Jamie.

Jamie?

“What’re you doing up?” I tried not to yawn morning breath in his face.

He was dressed for work, in sweats and old boots. “I had the strangest urge to shovel horse apples this morning. Can I help?”

Daddy insisted that we all helped the stable hands with the morning chores, so that we could really appreciate the work a person had to put in if he owned a horse. Annie and Mark and I had grown up smelling horse manure first thing in the morning. We were so used to it that it didn’t really seem like a chore anymore.

“If you want to.” Some guys were so strange.

I grabbed my shovel and a wheelbarrow and set to cleaning Lady’s stall. Lady was one of Daddy’s new brood mares that he was breeding, so nothing but the best would do for his prized mares. Jamie decided to work on Haley’s Comet’s stall next door. Dad had a fetish for naming the mares after his children.

Luckily, Jamie didn’t bother to try and strike up a conversation. Mucking is something that is best accomplished as quickly as possible, though I prefer it to cleaning up the dogs’ runner. There was something wrong about having a civil exchange over horse dung. I was still glad that Jamie wanted to help. The work seemed to go faster, knowing that he was always one stall over. That, and we got the barns done quicker with the extra set of hands. Hard work had always seemed like the perfect bonding experience to me. It’s not the most romantic, but I could really tell who my friends are by the ones who were willing to get down and dirty, shoveling horse poop. It meant a lot to me that he would do that on his first day of vacation.

After a shower and breakfast, I took Jamie out to show him the new foals. Most of the mares had already given birth earlier in the spring, but a few were still heavy-bellied with the unborn.

“They’re so beautiful.” Jamie had a look of profound amazement on his face as he watched the gangly foals run and roll in the grass, some for the first time.

“They are kinda cute, in a fuzzy way.” A couple of the month-old fillies were starting to lose their fine baby coats to the darker adult colors. They looked like patch-work ponies.

Jamie leaned back against the fence. “I can’t understand how anyone would ever want to leave this. It’s so pretty out here.”

I leaned against the fence next to him. “Daddy says the same thing. When his great-great grandparents settled here eons ago, they didn’t want to go any further west. They liked it here.” The softly rolling hills of Wine Country was the most beautiful part of the country to me. That, and the abundance of good table wine was nice too.

Jamie put his arm around my shoulders. “Too bad Erik wants to get out of here so badly.” He leaned down, bumping his forehead against mine. “I could never leave.”

It seemed natural to lean into his embrace. “That’s because you love it like I do. We had a lot of fun here.” Jamie had actually enjoyed the rides we used to take on the stable ponies and the retired race stock. Erik would come along, but his silence would complain louder than any words ever could.

Jamie laughed. “You still remember our campouts?’”

I grinned up at him. “I remember the trip we took when we were eleven, with the horses.”

“When Mouse got away, and the tents leaked because it rained—“ His arm tightened about me briefly. “I’ve missed you so much, Haley.”

I wrapped both of my arms around him. “I’ve missed you too, Jamie.”

He leaned down, his hazel eyes staring intently at my face. “Your eyes are so pretty. They’re golden. I’ve never seen anything like them before.”

“Annie has them. And Markie. And Daddy.”

He rubbed his nose against mine in an Eskimo kiss. “Yours are prettier.”

I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. “Jamie, you’re silly.”

He smiled a slight smile. “Am I?” And then he leaned down and touched his lips gently to mine.

At which point my mind went completely dead, yet felt more awake and alert than it ever had before. Jamie, my best friend, my Jamie was kissing me.

So I kissed him back.

And he kissed me back.

And before it could get too romance-novel steamy, I realized who it was that I was kissing.

I pushed back. “Jamie, we can’t.”

His face turned a paler shade of white. “Oh my God, Haley. I’m sorry.”

He turned and vaulted over the rail fence, spooking the nursing foals in the paddock.

Leaving me alone to think about the kiss that was heard around the world.

I sat on the rail fence for a long time, just thinking. I’d always loved Jamie. He was in some ways closer to me than Erik was. And I was sure that if Erik and I hadn’t decided to go out to dinner that night after class, something would have happened between Jamie and I eventually. Maybe.

In high school, it had never come up. Erik was too busy studying for college, and Jamie had been pursuing every Beth he could find. It never crossed our minds to date within our circle, but maybe because we were too familiar with each other. High school was a time to branch out and see what else there was to offer. College was when I turned back to my own roots and found that I missed our sleepy country town. That first year of college was when I turned to Erik because he represented everything comforting that I missed and left behind. Maybe it was Erik simply because Jamie wasn’t there.

But one of the first rules was don’t let the line between friendship and love blur. Especially not when his other best friend happened to be my boyfriend and a man that I could see myself settling down with at some point. Erik was cultured and educated. My college education didn’t seem to be wasted with him. He was sophistication and pride and a kind, considerate person who loved, maybe not passionately, but as graciously as the old southern gentlemen.

But Erik didn’t take the same kind of pride that I did in working with my hands. He didn’t understand how much my father loved to carve, or how much Annie and I had enjoyed struggling with our grandmother’s old sewing machine, trying to put a Renaissance dress together. Erik was the first man I think I ever really loved. He was the man who had taken my virginity—not that that meant too much by modern standards. He understood my fetish for Warhammer and the tackle box full of different sided dice that sat in my closet. It’s true that he didn’t appreciate filk music as much as he could, but he was sweet and sensitive, and if he forgot to get a gift for me every now and then, he would always make it up with roses and kisses.

Jamie was also his best friend, and my best friend. We had been together since we were five years old—the Three Muskateers. Something like this would break our friendship forever.

Erik and Jamie were light and dark. Erik had the warrior-build of his Nordic ancestors. Jamie was born with the soul of a poet. Both were gentle in their own way, but Erik was always careful never to let his passions spill over. He believed in hubris and balance. He preferred yoga and his Tai-Chi to riding horses. Jamie was happier leaving things to chance, even though this got him into trouble a lot. He wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do with life, but he knew that it would have something to do with music, and maybe children.

Erik had always been the little adult—cautious and kind. Jamie, the one who needed to take precautions so that he wouldn’t get sick, figured that life was here to be lived once. There were doubts when we were younger that Jamie would have a future. He refused to grow up. Erik, dark-haired and olive-skinned, a precise dresser with a certain style and flair. Jamie always managed to remind me of the jesters at Faire, with his bright colors and odd patterns. They were yin and yang, and I was caught somewhere in between.

But at the same time, I saw what had happened with Mom and Daddy. Mom and Daddy had married young, and after Mark was born, she had decided that she didn’t want to be the horseman’s wife anymore. She stuck it out until Markie got to school, but she had settled herself too young into something that she knew nothing about. Annie and I hated Mom for the longest time for abandoning us, but I came to kind of understand later on. There’s a point when you have to be there for your family, and there’s a point where you have to be there for yourself. You’ll always wonder about those roads not taken, so you might as well take the chances when you have them, to see if they lead to something better. Sometimes you have to ride the horse to see where he runs. Sometimes the journey matters more than the destination.

When my legs finally fell asleep, and Sugarbaby’s colt decided that chewing on my flannel shirt was almost as entertaining as trying to bite his tail, I left the paddock, slowly winding my way back to the house. Annie was sitting at the kitchen table, glaring at a small hand loom and a random scattering of beads that littered the wooden surface.

“Where’s Jamie?” I tried to sound casual.

“He ran in about two hours ago.” She didn’t bother looking up from the jumble of fishing line and plastic.

“Did he say anything?”

She grunted.

“Fine, I’ll leave you alone.” Stupid sisters.

Jamie wasn’t in his room, or Daddy’s study, or the family room. When I walked out back to the patio, I did hear a soft melody being played from the direction of the swing in the garden.

The small flower garden was Mom’s last legacy to us. Annie and Markie mainly worked in it. I had no patience for a green thing that would give me no visible response. At the center of the early spring flower sat an old redwood swing that Grandpa had carved for Nana as a wedding gift. And perched on the side of the swing was a solitary violinist.

I stood for a little while, watching his slender hands move the bow deftly up and down the strings. The music seemed to come out of nowhere and everywhere, but yet it seemed only to be the soft sighs of the violin. I recognized the soft, haunting tune as the theme from ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’

When he finally laid his bow down on the seat, I decided to break the spell.

“Jamie?”

Visions of forever wondering what lay down that road not taken. Thoughts of living a life without knowing how it might have worked out, or if I could’ve been happier. Thoughts of how much it would hurt to betray Erik, but how much it would hurt not to at least find out what a simple kiss had meant.

“Jamie?”

He looked up, his hazel eyes wide. Surprisingly, he blushed slightly. “We need to talk.”

His hands were gentle as they laid his violin down on the seat of the swing. “Yeah, we do.”

I sat down on the arm of the swing, not so close that he’d shy away from me, but not so far as to make him think I was nervous. “We have choices to make.” I tried to use the same soothing voice that kept the young weanlings calm.

“Are you saying we’re at some sort of crossroads?” His mouth twitched slightly.

“That might be going a little too far, Jamie.”

He gave me a shy half-smile.

“I think it’s more like…when Daddy breeds his horses, he’s not quite sure what they’ll be best at. He has to watch them as foals, but he also has to give them every opportunity—“ He arched an eyebrow at me. “Or maybe not—“

“But what about Erik?” I noticed that Jamie was very careful to keep his distance from me now. “I’m on the rebound, and you’re still mad at him for neglecting you. This could all be a big mistake.”

Jamie was always on the rebound. Just as Erik was so devoted to his studies and his precious medicine now that I didn’t know if I would have a place in his life when he came home for the summer. But this was a new Jamie that I’d never seen before. He usually threw caution into the wind and spit on it. I didn’t know if I liked this cautious Jamie.

“Not to mention the fact that I still have two months left of school.” His mouth twitched. “Haley, hon, we just can’t.” Jamie rolled his eyes. “Why do I bother? I’m just going to lose anyways.”

I reached out to lightly trace the line of his cheek. “Besides, do you want to always wonder what might have happened? This might be what was supposed to happen. We could be it.”

He moved in closer to me. “But what if it doesn’t work out? Then we’ll lose Erik and each other. It’s all or nothing in something like this.”

“Please, Jamie?” This might actually be just what we both needed—of course, it might also just ruin our lives completely, but that was part of the paradox of life. That grasping chance at pure and brief happiness was what made it all worth while.

Jamie looked at me for a long time. He wore his poker face, the one he always used when he would clean Erik and I out of money. I tried searching his face, but for once could read nothing.

“You and me, huh?” His hand lightly touched my hair. There was some strong, unreadable emotion on his face. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted it.”

My heart decided to join my voice box in my throat. “Maybe since the day I threw that rock at Ryan Herrin so that he would leave you alone?”

He chuckled, his eyes leaking a little bit of water. “Since we were five years old? I think you might be right.”

I hit him lightly. “Why didn’t you tell me, you dork? We could’ve started this whole thing a lot sooner.”

“Because you were very much in love with my best friend. And because I didn’t want to hurt you or him for the world.”

I was trembling almost as much as one of those swooning women in a Victorian novel. “So what do we do now?” I tried to keep my voice nonchalant.

He gave me his sweet, beautiful smile. “We try and see what’s down that road.”

“And Erik?”

“When we come to it, hon. We’ll deal with it then.”

And he kissed me again. At least now I didn’t have to wonder anymore.

The End