Rating: PG

Disclaimer: The characters of "Roswell" are not mine, and neither is the story of "The Princess Bride." I realize that a lot of this is the actual story of "The Princess Bride." In my researching of this, I found a PB/Labyrinth crossover, in which the author stated that in borrowing so much of the plot and text, it was fan fiction in it's purest form. I liked that-this is intended as a tribute to one of my favorite movies and my favorite show, I hope that it is taken as such.

Category: Crossover (my FIRST big crossover-very exciting)

Summary: Basically, it's "The Princess Bride," "Roswell"-style.

Distribution: If you have my stuff, feel free; if you don't, please ask.

Feedback: Please! I need it; I live off of it.

Author's note: I was helped tremendously in my efforts to write this by a couple of web-sites. First, the Dread Pirate Roberts' Princess Bride page, which you can find at www.cyhaus.com/pbride/pbride.htm. And a huge thank you to Robert Zabaga, who wrote out the entire script, which was such a big help. You can find it at www.mit.edu:8001/activities/mitcbf/princess_bride.html.

Dedication: To Cotti, for asking me to attempt this; to Stephie, for my Bachelor Girl CD and for letting me read that great M/M piece the other day; and to Tanya Rae, my very best friend, because it's her birthday.

*****

"Tell me a story."

The dark haired girl looked at her young friend, somewhat perplexed by her sudden outburst. "What kind of a story?" she asked.

"A decent story, with pirates and maidens and aliens," the younger one replied.

The older girl thought a moment, and she slowly nodded her head. "Okay, I think that I know of a story that you will like." And so, she began to spin her tale of pirates and maidens and aliens…

*****

Maria DeLuca was raised on a small farm in the country of Roswell. Her favorite past-times were riding her horse and tormenting the boy who worked there. Well, he really was no longer a boy-he was a man. But Maria could still remember the day that he had come to their farm, asking for work. He was alone, an orphan they assumed-or perhaps he was abandoned. He was an outsider-an alien, not of this earth. Not even he knew for certain who his parents were.

The outsiders had come to Roswell years before and laid claim to the land there. A channel was created for travel between their land-Valion- and Roswell. Though the outsiders ruled Roswell, most of them continued to live at Valion. The pure Valions called those Valions who lived in Roswell "brids," and war was constantly threatened between the pure and the brids, though it was never carried through.

Nevertheless, how this young boy came to be left at Roswell, no one was sure. But there he was, and he was in need of work. Maria's mother was alone, as her father had left years before, tired of Valion rule. Help was needed to run the farm, and so the outsider fit well into their family.

His name was Michael. But she never called him that.

Nothing gave Maria as much pleasure as ordering Michael around.

"Spaceboy, varnish my saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."

"As you wish," Michael replied.

'As you wish' were the only words that Michael ever said to her. Slowly, over time, Maria began to temper her commands to her Spaceboy with an occasional please. But Michael only ever replied, "As you wish."

Over time, Maria began to realize that when Michael was saying 'as you wish,' what he really meant was 'I love you.' But Michael being Michael, he couldn't bring himself to say the words to her, and so he only ever replied 'as you wish.'

One day, Maria was in the kitchen when she saw Michael come in the back door through the corner of her eye.

"Spaceboy!" she called. He slowly walked toward her.

"Fetch me that pitcher," she said. He leaned across her, taking hold of the pitcher, and then slowly handed it to her, whispering, "As you wish."

As she took the pitcher from his hands, she leaned toward him, bringing her lips close to his. He slowly moved his mouth toward hers, finally capturing-

["Wait a minute!" the young girl yelled, interrupting the story.

"What?"

"Is this some sort of fluff piece? Do you see a penguin sitting here? Where is the angst?"

The older girl shook her head and laughed. "Let me get to it! Now, where was I? Oh, yes…"]

Michael, being an outsider, was full of questions. He needed to know more of his people. And so he packed up his things and boarded a starship, intending to find out his history. Only then could he move forward and marry Maria.

"Why do you have to leave?" Maria asked.

Michael placed his hands on her face, staring straight down into her tear-filled green eyes.

"I'm afraid I'll never see you again," Maria whispered.

"Of course you will."

"But what if something happens to you?"

"I will always come for you," Michael assured her.

"But how can you be sure?"

"This is true love. You think this happens everyday?" he asked softly, pulling her towards him for one last kiss.

["Oh, lord," the young girl whispered.]

Michael did not find what he was looking for. Within days of his leaving, his ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left his captives alive. When the news reached Maria that her Michael was dead, she locked herself in her room and refused to eat or sleep.

"I will never love again," she whispered, staring out at the bleak stars.

["That is much better," the young girl said, smiling.]

Five years later, in the land of Roswell, word came down that Prince Nasedo Humperdink had chosen a bride. With great fanfare, the people of Roswell gathered at the Crash Festival and stood before their prince.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride that I stand before you today, on this, the fiftieth anniversary of the crash of the outsiders, and announce to you that I have chosen a bride. Please welcome your soon-to-be princess, Maria."

Maria slowly placed one foot in front of the other, walking out among the crowd of people. She wondered if they could all see through her, to her empty heart filled with the love of a dead man.

Maria's only joy was in her daily ride through the channel, which crossed the boundary of earth and entered into the realm of space. The channel was her only comfort, as she imagined her Michael among the star clusters that she saw there.

One day as she was riding, she happened upon three creatures. Two were women and one was a man. Maria stopped in front of them.

"Oh, mistress, we are so glad that you have stopped," the shorter girl said, stepping forward. She brushed her curled blond hair behind her shoulder. "We have lost our way and we were wondering where the nearest town is."

"The nearest town isn't for miles," Maria answered. "We are surrounded by nothing but space."

"Good," the girl said, smiling, as the second female advanced toward Maria. "In space, there is no one to hear you scream." And all went black for Maria.

"What are you doing Tess?" Isabel asked, hurling Maria's body over her shoulder. She watched with great interest as Tess ripped the fabric of a Valion warrior's uniform and placed it on Maria's horse. She then sent the horse scampering away.

"We have to make it look as though the Valions have captured the princess," Tess said, sighing at the ignorance of her companions. "I am trying to start a war here! The brids must believe that the pure have captured the princess! By placing the fabric of a pure's uniform on the horse, Prince Nasedo will immediately assume that the pure have captured his fiancée. His suspicions will be confirmed when he finds her dead body in Valion."

"Why do we have to kill her though?" Isabel asked.

"When did you get so soft, Isabel? I thought that you were the great warrior."

"I just don't like to kill people who are innocent, that's all," Isabel answered, a shudder evident in her voice.

"I agree with Izzy," Kyle said.

"Oh, you do, do you?" Tess asked, stepping close to her lover. "May I remind you that you have nothing without me? The two of you are helpless on your own. I am the one who found you, drunk and alone and slowly killing yourself, Valenti. And as for you, Isabel, remember that you are a half-breed. You belong neither here nor there. Without me, you have no respect."

Isabel rolled her eyes and climbed aboard the starship, setting Maria down on the first seat she came to. Kyle followed her closely, and she watched as he climbed into the pilot seat.

Isabel closed her eyes, opening them some time later at the sound of Kyle's voice.

"Are you certain that no one is following us?" Kyle asked.

"Inconceivable!" Tess replied. "The pure have no idea what we have done, and the brids haven't had time to find us yet!"

Kyle nodded and turned his attention back to steering. Tess stared into space for a moment, and suddenly her eyes jumped. "Why do you ask?"

"Because someone is following us," Kyle replied, directing her attention to the starship behind them.

"Oh, well, I'm sure that's nothing," Tess said calmly.

"This will never work, you know," Maria said, turning to look at Tess. "They will find me. Nasedo will come for me, and you will all be hanged."

Tess laughed. "Of all of the necks on this starship, highness, the one that you should be worried about is your own."

Isabel began working on her nails, filing each one into a perfect oval, until Tess suddenly shouted that they had reached the cliffs. Looking back, Isabel could see that the starship following them had caught up to them.

Stepping out of the starship, Isabel allowed all three of them to climb onto her back. She slowly began to scale the cliffs in front of them, using the rope that hung down in front of it.

The second starship came to a stop at the cliffs as well, and a masked man stepped out of it. He too began to climb the rope, at a much faster pace than Isabel was able.

"Faster!" Tess shouted, looking down at the masked man.

"I'm going as fast as I can," Isabel said, blowing her blond hair out of her face. "In case you missed it, I'm carrying three people up this cliff, while he is only carrying himself."

"I didn't hire you to back talk me," Tess sneered. "When this is over, you can consider yourself out of a job!"

Isabel rolled her eyes and tightened her grip on the rope. Finally, they reached the top. Tess jumped down and cut off the rope, hoping to send the masked man to his death. But when they peered over the top of the cliff, they found that he had not fallen, as he was still clinging to the side of the cliff.

"Inconceivable!" Tess shouted.

"You will have to deal with this," Tess said to Kyle. "If he falls, fine, but if he reaches the top, you will have to kill him."

With that, she pushed Maria and Isabel forward, leaving Kyle alone to face the masked man.

*****

Kyle sat down on a rock, excited at the idea of fighting this man. He twirled his sword in his hand. But this was taking too long.

"Is there any way that you could speed it up?" Kyle shouted down to the masked man.

"I assure you," the man answered, "this is not as easy as it may look."

Kyle paced as he waited for the masked man.

"If you're in such a hurry you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do."

Kyle nodded. "I could do that. I still have some rope up here. But I did not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you."

"That does put a damper on our friendship."

"But I do promise not to kill you until you reach the top."

The masked man nodded. "That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll simply have to wait."

Kyle thought a moment. "Not even if I offered my word as a cowboy?"

The masked man smiled. "No good. I've known too many cowboys."

"Is there another way that you will trust me?"

"Nothing comes to mind."

Kyle took hold of the rope and looked straight into the man's eyes. "I swear on the soul of my father, James Valenti, you will make it to the top alive."

The masked man paused and then slowly nodded. "I take you at your word." Kyle threw the rope to him and he quickly climbed the rest of the way.

"I will give you a moment to rest," Kyle said, wanting the masked man to be at his best so that the fight would be especially satisfying.

"Thank you." The man sat down, trying to catch his breath.

"I do not mean to pry," Kyle said, "but you don't happen to have six fingers on your right hand, by chance?"

"Do you always start conversations this way?"

"My father was killed by a six-fingered man. My father was the sheriff of Roswell-an excellent swordsman. He fought the Valions with ease. But one day a Valion came along who tricked my father. He made him believe that he was a human, when in reality he was a brid. He used my father and then he killed him."

Kyle stopped a moment, and took a deep breath. "I loved my father, and so naturally I challenged this man to a duel. I lost, but the six fingered man left me with these." He pointed to the scars on either side of his face.

"How old were you?"

"I was eleven years old. I have dedicated my life to the study of fencing so that one day, when I meet the six-fingered man, I will say, 'Hello, my name is Kyle Valenti. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'"

"You have devoted your life to sword-play?"

"More pursue than study lately. It has been eleven years. I am beginning to lose confidence in myself. If it weren't for Tess taking me in, I would be alone in the streets."

The masked man nodded and stood up. "I hope that you find him someday."

"You are ready then?" Kyle asked, moving his feet into position.

"Whether I am or not, you have been more than fair."

"I hate to kill you," Kyle said, aiming his sword.

"I hate to die."

"Begin," Kyle said, swiping his sword toward the masked man. The man ducked and swung back. And so began to battle of wills, each man meeting the other stroke for stroke, but each missing the other just slightly.

"You are wonderful!" Kyle couldn't keep from exclaiming as his sword came down just past the masked man's ear.

"Thank you. I've worked hard to become so."

"You are better than I am," Kyle admitted.

"Then why are you smiling?"

"Because I know something that you don't," Kyle said, flipping his sword into the air and catching it in his right hand. "I am not left-handed."

The battle proceeded, with the masked man momentarily taken aback. However, each continued to just miss the other.

"You are amazing!" the masked man exclaimed.

"I certainly ought to be after eleven years!"

"There is something that I must tell you though," the masked man said.

"What?"

"I'm not left handed either!" With that, the masked man threw his sword in the air, catching it with his right hand.

His sword hit against Kyle's with immense force. Kyle could tell that he was nearly done for.

"Who are you?"

"No one of consequence."

"I must know."

"Get used to disappointment."

The masked man flipped his sword toward Kyle, locking it against Kyle's sword and spinning it around until the sword flew from Kyle's hand. Helpless, Kyle backed against the wall, dropping to his knees.

"Kill me quickly," he whispered.

The masked man circled him with his sword. "I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either..."

The masked man hit Kyle on the head, knocking him out and leaving him on the ground. He then turned and followed the footprints made by the three remaining travelers.

"Inconceivable!"

Isabel turned her head to see the masked man coming toward them.

"Deal with this!" Tess shouted, pushing Maria ahead of her.

Isabel sighed and moved behind the nearest rock. She watched the masked man with great interest, trying to decide if he was a human or an outsider. Either way, in killing him she was killing her own.

As he approached, Isabel leapt into the air and jumped onto his back, thrusting her fingernails into his skin.

The man screamed in pain. Isabel jumped down.

"I didn't have to do that," she said. "I could have killed you quickly. I am giving you a chance to fight me fairly."

The man nodded. "So, what do we do then?"

"Try and beat me," she said, smiling. He stepped toward her, attempting to lift her off the ground. But she was unmovable.

"Look, are you just toying with me?" the man asked.

"I want you to feel that you had a fair chance," Isabel said, lunging at him. He moved too fast, and she soon felt the weight of him on her back.

"You're quick."

"Good thing," the man replied.

Isabel attempted to keep from laughing at his efforts. His arms pulled tighter around her neck.

"It has been quite some time since I fought only one person," Isabel said, pushing the man up against the nearest rock.

"Why is that?"

"Oh, Tess, she is constantly ticking large groups of people off, and I have to jump to her defense."

The man's arms grew tighter around her neck. Isabel hardly knew what was happening as she gasped for air.

The man jumped down as she slid to the ground, unconscious. "I do not envy you the headache that you will have in the morning," he said, turning to follow the footsteps that would lead him to Tess and her prisoner.

*****

"There was a mighty duel," Prince Nasedo said, closing his eyes and placing his hands on the ground. "It ranged all over."

"Who won?" Pierce asked.

"The loser ran off, and the winner continued in this direction, toward Valion."

"Should we track both?"

"The loser means nothing. Only the princess matters. Clearly this was planned by the warriors of Valion!"

"Do you think that this could be a trap?" Pierce asked.

"I always think that everything is a trap," Prince Nasedo answered. "That is why I am still alive."

*****

"Stop right there if you want her to live," Tess called out, pushing the blade of her knife against Maria's neck. The masked man slowed his walk, but he continued to move forward.

"Please, let me explain-"

"There is nothing to explain," Tess said. "You want to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen."

"Perhaps an arrangement could be reached," the man said, moving closer.

"No arrangements will be made," Tess said. "And you are killing her."

"Well then, we are at an impasse," the man said.

"I'm afraid we are," Tess said. "I can't compete with you physically, and you are no match for my brains."

"You are that smart?"

"Allow me to put it this way. You have heard of Aristotle, Plato, Socrates?"

"Yes."

"Morons!"

"Well, in that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits."

"For the princess? To the death? I accept!"

"Create some tabasco sauce," the man said.

"What?"

"You heard me. I can see that you are a Valion. Create some tabasco sauce and two glasses."

Tess stared at him a moment, and then moved her hand slowly, creating a glass of tabasco sauce and two goblets.

The man pulled a vile from his pocket. "Inhale this but do not touch."

Tess did as she was told. "I smell nothing."

"What you do not smell is Iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, and dissolves instantly in liquid and is among the more deadly poisons known to man."

Tess shrugged and smiled.

"Pour the tabasco."

Tess poured an equal amount of tabasco into each glass. The man took them both from her and turned his back. Smiling, he set both glasses down on the ground in front of them.

"All right," the man said. "The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink - and find out who is right, and who is dead."

Tess smiled. "But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine it from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemies? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the tabasco sauce in front of you...But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the tabasco sauce in front of me."

"You have decided then?" the man asked.

"Not remotely!" Tess exclaimed. "Because Iocaine comes from Australia. As everyone knows, Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So, I can clearly not choose the tabasco sauce in front of you."

"Ah!" the man said. "Truly, you have a dizzying intellect."

"Wait till I get going! Now, where was I?"

"Australia."

"Oh, yes. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the tabasco sauce in front of me."

"You are stalling."

"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you!" Tess said. "You've beaten my warrior, which means you're exceptionally strong...so you could have put the poison in your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the tabasco sauce in front of you. But, you've also bested my cowboy, which means you must have studied...and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the tabasco sauce in front of me!"

"You are trying to trick me into giving away something," the man said. "It won't work."

"It has worked!" Tess exclaimed. "You've given away everything!"

"Choose then."

"I choose…Nasedo!" Tess yelled, pointing in the opposite direction.

"Where?" the man asked, turning his head.

"There," Tess continued to motion away from herself. She carefully switched the glasses.

"I see nothing," the man replied, turning his attention back to Tess.

"Really? Oh, I could have sworn. Oh well," she said, lifting her own glass. She smiled as the liquid touched her lips.

The man drank from his glass. "You guessed wrong," he said, lowering the glass.

"You only think I guessed wrong! I switched them!" Tess cackled. "You fool! Don't you know better than to trust a pure!"

The man's smile faded a bit. Tess felt her head growing dizzy and then all went black.

*****

"You killed her!" Maria exclaimed. "To think, all that time the poison was in your glass."

"The poison was in both glasses," the man said, untying the princess. "I have spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocaine powder."

"Who are you?" Maria asked, studying the man's face.

"I'm no one to be trifled with, that is all you need to know," the man said, pulling the princess along.

*****

"Someone has beaten a warrior," Prince Nasedo said, placing his hands on the rocks. The images hit him at once. "There will be great suffering if she dies!"

*****

"Catch your breath," the man said, pausing his run. Maria gasped beside him.

"If you release me, I promise, you will get whatever ransom you ask for," she said.

"And what is that worth?" the man sneered. "The promise of a woman. And a human at that."

"I was giving you a chance," Maria said, jerking her arm away from the man. "There is no greater hunter than Prince Nasedo. He has powers beyond the normal realm, even for the Valions. He will find you and kill you."

"You think your dearest love will save you?" the man asked.

"I never said he was my dearest love," Maria answered. "And yes, he will save me."

"You admit that you do not love your fiancé?"

"He knows I do not love him."

The man took hold of her face. "Are not capable of love is what you mean," he said, staring deep into her eyes.

"I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream," Maria answered, pulling away from him.

He raised his hand to hit her and then he lowered it. "That was a warning, highness. The next time my hand flies on its own; where I come from there are penalties when a women lies."

*****

"Iocaine!" Prince Nasedo exclaimed. "And there are her footprints. She is alive… or, at least she was alive an hour ago. Come!"

*****

The man pulled Maria quickly. "Rest, highness," he said, stopping suddenly.

"I know who you are," Maria sneered.

"Who am I?"

"The Dread Pirate Roberts, of course."

The man smiled. "At your service. What can I do for you?"

"You can die a slow death, cut into a million pieces."

The man shook his head. "Why do you use your venom on me?"

"You killed my love," Maria whispered, choking on the words.

The man cocked his head to one side. "It is possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince?"

"No, my Spaceboy!" she exclaimed. "He was poor. Poor and perfect. You attacked his starship and the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners."

"I can't afford to make exceptions."

"You mock my pain!" Maria shouted.

"Life is pain, highness!" he yelled back. "Remember that. I seem to remember this Spaceboy of yours. This would be… five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?"

"Nothing that you can say will upset me."

"He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said please, please, I need to live. It was the please that caught my memory. I asked what was so important for him; 'True love' he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness...I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are."

"And what am I?" Maria asked.

"Faithfulness! He spoke of unending faithfulness! Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone did you get engaged to your prince that same hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?"

"You mocked me once! Don't do it again!" Maria raised her hands to his chest. "I died that day. And you can die too, for all I care." With that, she shoved him with all her might and he went tumbling down the hill behind them.

"As you wish…" he called as he fell.

"Oh, Michael!" Maria cried, suddenly realizing. "What have I done?" She hurled herself down the hill after him.

Prince Nasedo watched in wonder as his princess fell backwards down the hill. "Unless I am wrong," he said, "and I am never wrong, they are headed for the fire swamp."

*****

"Can you move?"

Maria opened her eyes to see Michael towering over her. "You're alive," she said. "If you want, I can fly."

Michael lifted her into his arms. "I told you that I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?"

"Well," Maria answered, "you were dead."

"But death cannot stop true love," Michael replied. "All it can do is delay it for a while."

"I will never doubt again," Maria said.

"There will never be a need," Michael answered, bringing his lips to hers and crushing them-

["Wait!"

"What?" the storyteller asked, a tad annoyed.

"You are getting all fluffy again. Michael would never say such a thing!"

The storyteller sighed. "Forgive me. Why don't I skip ahead to the fire swamp."

"You do that," the young girl said, smiling.]

Michael and Maria raced across the ravine floor.

"What is that?" Maria asked, turning her head to see the prince and his army advancing toward them.

"Ah! Your pig fiancé! Well, they are too late! We are nearly to the fire swamp!"

"But Michael, we'll never survive," Maria said, gripping his arm more firmly.

"Nonsense," he said, smiling at her. "You only say that because no one ever has." With that, he pulled her into the fire swamp. The muddy floor was ruining her dress, as Maria tried in vain to step carefully around the many obstacles in her path.

"It's not so bad," Michael said. Maria looked at him disgustedly.

"Well, I mean, I don't want to live here, but really, it seems okay."

"Ah, yes, I had forgotten your particular preference of décor," Maria said. "I mean-" her sentence was cut short as her dress went up in flames. Michael quickly placed his hands under her arms, pulling her out of the fire. Using his powers, he tempered the flames.

"There, there," he said, kissing her head. "Singed a bit, were you?"

"No," Maria answered. She heard a popping sound and suddenly Michael's arms were lifting her again, this time before the fire could catch her.

"Well, one thing is certain, this fire swamp is certainly keeping us on our toes," Michael said. "But this will soon be nothing but a happy memory. Roberts starship is waiting at the other end. And I, as you know, am Roberts."

"Yes," Maria said slowly. "But how is that possible, when he's been around for twenty years, and you only left me five years ago?"

"I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks," Michael said, smiling as he cut away tree branches for them to walk through. "See, what I told you before about saying please was true...it intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, 'All right Michael, never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'll most likely to kill you in the morning.' For three years said that. 'Good night Michael, good work, sleep well, I'll most likely to kill you in the morning.' It was a fine time for me - I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened."

"What happened?"

"Well Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his cabin and told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts,' he said 'my name is Rear. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either - his name was Cumberbun. The real Roberts had been retired 15 years and was living like a king in Patagonia.' Then he explained the name was the important for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Michael. So we took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except now that were together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?"

Maria turned to look into Michael's eyes, when all of a sudden the ground swallowed her up. Michael jumped into the quicksand after her, grabbing hold of her small body and pulling her to the surface.

Maria gasped for breath as she sat in Michael's arms, as he did the same.

"We'll never make it out of here, Michael."

"Don't be silly," Michael said. "We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the fire swamp? One, the flame spurt - no problem - there's a popping sound preceding each. We can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too."

"But what about the R.O.U.S.?"

"Rodents of unusual size? I don't really believe that they exist." Just then a large rat like creature jumped on top of Michael's head, biting him. Maria screamed, moving away from the horrible rodent.

Michael struggled with the animal, but it broke free and began walking toward Maria.

"Michael!" she screamed in terror.

Michael jumped on top of the rodent, wrestling it to the ground. He heard a faint popping sound just beside him, and he pushed the animal toward the sound. Within moments the rodent was screaming in pain as it went up in flames.

Just to be certain, Michael raised his hand and killed the rodent using his powers. Grabbing hold of his princess, he began moving forward, toward the exit of the fire swamp.

"We did it!" Maria exclaimed.

"That wasn't so terrible, now was it?"

Suddenly horses were surrounding them. Prince Nasedo was in the middle, brandishing his sword.

"Surrender!" he cried.

Michael did not move, save to tighten his grip on Maria.

"I say again, surrender!" Nasedo yelled, his men surrounding the young couple.

"It will not happen!" Michael replied, drawing his sword.

"For the last time, surrender!"

"Death first!"

"Will you promise not to hurt him?" Maria asked suddenly.

"What?" Michael and Nasedo said in unison.

"If we surrender, and I go with you, will you promise not to hurt him?" Maria asked.

"May I live a thousand years and never hunt again!" Prince Nasedo replied.

"He was aboard the starship Revenge. Promise that he will be returned safely to his starship."

"I swear it will be done!" Prince Nasedo yelled, glancing at Pierce.

Michael's lost eyes found Maria's. "How can you do this?" he asked. "Don't you love me?"

"Maybe I love you too much," she answered. "I thought that you were dead once and it nearly killed me. I couldn't bear it for you to die again, not when I have the power to save you."

Prince Nasedo extended his arm to her, and Maria climbed onto his horse.

"Come, sir, we must get you to your ship," Pierce said, once the others were gone.

"We are men of action, lies do not become us," Michael replied.

"Well-spoken," Pierce said. He noticed Michael staring at his hands. "What is it?"

"You have six fingers on your right hand," Michael said. "Someone was looking for you." With that, Pierce struck Michael on the top of the head and all went black.

*****

Michael raised his head slowly. He could feel chains around his body, strapping him to the table. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a beautiful blond woman. She turned to look at him and smiled.

"Where am I?"

"You're in a white room," she answered, bandaging his wounds. "Don't even think of trying to escape, the chain is too strong, even for a Valion. And the only way in is a secret that only the prince, Pierce, and I know."

"And who are you?" Michael asked.

"My name, not that it matters," she said, "is Kathleen Topolsky."

"And I'm here until I die?"

"Until they kill you, yes."

"Then why do you bother curing me?"

"They like for everything to be healthy before it's broken," she answered.

Michael nodded. "It is to be torture."

Kathleen's smile widened.

"I can cope with torture."

She shook her head.

"You don't believe me?"

She moved her face within inches of his. "You survived the fire swamp, so you must be very brave. But no one withstands the machine."

*****

Maria tossed and turned as she tried to sleep. But her dreams were haunted with images of her Spaceboy. As she fell further into her sleep, she found herself faced with Isabel.

"Oh!" Maria said, startled.

"Where is he?" Isabel asked.

"Who?"

"The masked man, where is he?"

"He is back on his starship," Maria answered. But Isabel shook her head.

"I cannot find him, Maria," she said. "I try to get in, but his thoughts are a blur. He cannot tell me where he is."

"Why do you want to find him?"

Isabel looked sad. "I'm not sure," she answered. "Why aren't you looking for him?"

Maria woke with a start.

*****

"I'm sorry, but I love Michael and I cannot marry you," Maria said firmly, walking into Prince Nasedo's chambers. "If you insist that I marry you, then I will be dead by morning."

Prince Nasedo looked surprised. "Then consider the wedding off," he said, turning to look at Pierce, who stood by his side. "You did return him to his ship?"

"Yes," Pierce answered.

"Then we shall alert him," Prince Nasedo said. "However, Maria, are you certain that he wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving at the fire swamp."

"My Michael always comes for me," Maria answered.

"I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest starships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Roswell this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Michael wants you, bless you both; if not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?"

Maria nodded happily.

*****

"Your princess is quite a winning creature," Pierce said, leading Nasedo toward the white room. "A trifle simple, but intriguing nevertheless."

"Yes, I know," Prince Nasedo said proudly. "When I hired Tess to kill her, I thought it was clever. But now I think that when I strangle her on our wedding night, it will be so much more beautiful. Once Valion is blamed, the people will be outraged and a war will have to begin."

Pierce nodded, placing his hand against the scanner at the door, which flew open to allow him through.

"Are you coming?" he asked. "I'm about to start him on the machine."

"Well, you know, I would love to watch you work, but I've got my wedding to plan, my wife's murder to arrange and Valion to frame for it-frankly, I'm swamped."

Pierce nodded and watched his friend walk away. Stepping into the white room, he walked toward his lovely machine and the prisoner strapped to it.

"Beautiful isn't it?" he said, admiring the machine. "It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and dividing interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting."

Pierce began the machine and watched with glee as Michael writhed in pain.

"As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, lets just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?"

*****

"Howie!"

"Yes, Prince Nasedo?" Howie D. asked, rushing into the king's chambers.

"As chief enforcer of all Roswell, I trust you with this secret: Killers from Valion are infiltrating the channel and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night."

"I've heard no such news, Prince," Howie replied.

"Any word from Michael?" Maria asked, entering the room.

"Too soon, my angel," Nasedo replied. "Patience."

"He will come for me," she said, turning on her heel to leave.

"She will not be murdered!" Prince Nasedo yelled. "I want the channel emptied before the wedding."

Howie nodded meekly and turned to leave.

*****

The day of the wedding had arrived. Howie's troops had their hands full attempting to empty the channel.

"Is everyone out?" Howie yelled.

"There is a cowboy giving us some trouble," one of the men replied.

"I am waiting for you Tess!" Kyle shouted, clutching his bottle of wine. "You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. I will not be moved!"

One of the guards attempted to grab Kyle, but he lashed at him with his sword.

"I am waiting for Tess!" Kyle shouted again. The guard came at him again, but a hand came around the guard's neck and he quickly fell to the ground.

"Isabel!" Kyle cried.

Isabel smiled as she kicked the guard.

"Kyle, I have found him."

"Who?"

"The six fingered man. He is here, I only just saw him."

With that, Kyle fainted.

*****

"But how can we get to him?" Kyle asked, coming to in Isabel's arms.

"Well, he is in the castle," she answered.

"But the castle is heavily guarded. We need Tess to plan this."

"Tess is dead," Isabel said quietly.

Kyle stared at her for a moment. "Not Tess then. I know," he said excitedly. "The masked man."

"What?"

"He beat you, right? He beat me. And he must have killed Tess. He is the one, the one that we need."

"But we don't know where he is."

"Nonsense, we'll worry about that later. There will be bloodshed tonight!"

*****

"The channel is empty!" Howie reported. The prince smiled happily in response.

"The castle gate is locked?" he asked.

"The gate has but one key, and I carry that," Howie replied, showing his prince the key.

Just then, Maria entered the room. "Ah, my darling," Nasedo said. "Tonight we marry. And then every starship my fleet will escort us to the channel, where we will begin our honeymoon among the stars."

"Every ship but your four fastest," Maria said. Nasedo's face fell. "Every ship but the four you sent?"

"Yes, yes of course," Nasedo said quickly. "Every ship but those four."

"Your majesty," Howie said, turning to leave.

"You never sent the ships, did you?" Maria asked. She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. My Michael will come for me anyway."

"You are a silly girl."

"Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you were a coward with a heart full of fear."

"I would not say such things if I were you!"

"Why not? You can't hurt me. Michael and I are joined by the bonds of love, and you cannot track that; not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you're a coward, it is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the Earth."

"I would not say such things if I were you!" Nasedo yelled, grabbing Maria's arms and forcing her into her chambers, locking the door.

He continued down the hall, until he reached the white room. He stood towering over Michael.

"You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no mater what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will," Nasedo said, turning the machine all the way up.

Michael screamed with pain.

"Not to fifty!" Pierce yelled.

Michael's screams grew louder. The entire kingdom could hear them.

"Isabel!" Kyle cried. "Those screams! It is the masked man!"

"How do you know?" Isabel asked.

"It is the sound of ultimate suffering. I made it when my father was killed. The masked man makes it now."

"Are you sure?"

"His true love is marrying another tonight. Who else has reason to scream?"

Kyle began walking in the direction of the screams, with Isabel closely following.

They came upon Kathleen, who was pushing a wheelbarrow near the castle. "Do you hear that?" Kyle asked her. "Do you know where I can find the masked man?"

Kathleen sighed and brushed her hair out of her face. "I'm a little busy right now, okay?"

"Isabel, jog her memory."

Isabel's fist came down hard on Kathleen's head, knocking her out cold.

"I'm sorry, Kyle, I didn't mean to hit her so hard. Kyle?"

But Kyle was slumped against a wall near the castle. "I'm sorry Father," he whispered.

"Wait a minute, Kyle," Isabel said, using her unusually good eyesight to see a scanner in the wall. A scanner which had a place for six fingers.

"What is it?"

"This is for him," she said. "The six fingered man." Closing her eyes, she concentrated on the man she had so recently seen. She found her way into his head.

Kyle's eyes grew wide as he watched Isabel's hand shift, causing a sixth finger to grow.

"There!" she exclaimed. "I've copied his fingerprints."

"Isabel, you're a genius," Kyle cried.

Isabel smiled. "There are some good things about being a half-breed," she said, pressing her hand against the scanner. A door hidden in the wall burst open and they hurried inside.

They found Michael strapped to the table. Isabel lowered her head to his chest. "He's dead," she whispered.

Kyle shook his head. "Have you any money?" he asked.

"A little," she replied.

"I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle."

*****

Within moments, Isabel found herself standing outside a small shack of a house, carrying Michael on her back.

Kyle was pounding on the door.

"Go away," said a voice from inside. Kyle pounded harder.

Finally a man came to the door. "Are you the Miracle Max that worked for the king all these years?" Kyle asked.

"I did work for the king," said the dark-haired man. "But then Prince Nasedo fired me. Thank you for bringing it

up." He turned to shut the door.

"We need a miracle!" Kyle shouted desperately. "Please, it's very important."

"Why would you want someone that Nasedo fired? I might kill whoever needs the miracle."

"But he is already dead," Isabel called.

"Oh," Max said, turning back to look at them.

"Please," she said.

"Okay, I'll look at him," Max replied, staring hard at her. "But I'm not making any promises."

Isabel set Michael on the table. "I've seen worse," Max said.

"We're kind of in a hurry," Kyle said.

"You have any money?" Max asked.

"Sixty-five," Isabel said, holding out her money.

Max shook his head. "I have only worked for so little once, and it was for a very noble cause."

"I need him to avenge my father's death," Kyle said.

Max shook his head. "He owes you money, right? I'll ask him."

"He's dead," Isabel said.

"Oh, you know so much? He is only mostly dead. Mostly dead means that he is somewhat alive."

Max placed his hand over Michael mouth. "What do you have to live for?" he asked.

"True… love…" Michael replied, barely audible.

"True love!" Kyle exclaimed. "How noble is that?"

"True love is a noble cause," Max agreed. "But there is no such thing."

"Liar!" A woman came screaming from the back of the house. "There is such a thing as true love! You just refuse to

remember!"

"There is not!" Max cried.

"Forgive him," Liz said. "Ever since that stupid Nasedo fired him, Max has lost his belief in everything. Even in me."

"I have not lost my faith in you," Max said.

"Oh, no? Then help him. Save this poor man like you saved me, unless you wish that you hadn't."

Max stared deep into his wife's eyes, and then he slowly placed his hand on Michael's chest. A flood of images hit him of a beautiful pixie. It was true love.

*****

Isabel looked worriedly at the castle gate. "Kyle, there are too many guards," she said.

"What does it matter? We have him," Kyle said, motioning to Michael.

"Where am I?" Michael asked.

Isabel smiled. "You've been mostly dead all day. But never mind, Max healed you. Only he said that it would take a while for you to get your strength back, since you had been dead so long."

"Where is Maria?" Michael asked.

"She's getting married in half an hour," Kyle said. "All we have to do is get in there, stop the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape-oh, and kill Pierce."

"That really doesn't leave much time," Michael said. His hand gripped Isabel's, which was holding him in place.

"You moved! That's wonderful!" she exclaimed.

"I'm a quick healer," he said. "Now, what are our liabilities?"

"Well," Kyle said. "There is one castle gate and it's guarded by sixty men."

"And our assets?"

"Your brains, my steel, Isabel's strength."

"That's it?" Michael asked. "Impossible! If I had a month to plan, maybe. But this, no, this … if only we had a

wheelbarrow, now that would be something."

"What did you do with that wheelbarrow the albino had?" Kyle asked.

"I put it over the albino," Isabel replied.

"Why didn't you list that among our assets?" Michael asked. "But, it's still no good. If only I had a holocaust cloak…"

Isabel created a cloak on the ground. "Will that do?" she asked.

Michael nodded and smiled at her. "Lift me up," he said. Isabel did as he asked.

The three of them begin their descent on the castle gate.

*****

"You do not seem very happy, my love," Prince Nasedo whispered.

"Should I be?" Maria asked.

"Most brides are."

"My Michael will save me," she said fiercely.

*****

Alex pulled his robes around him and began his speech. "Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam..."

Howie's voice suddenly rang out. "Stand your ground men! Stand your ground!"

Isabel tried to keep her footing as Kyle pushed the wheelbarrow that she was standing on. The cloak flew around her, hiding Michael, who was laying on the wheelbarrow, at her feet.

"I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!" she yelled. "There will be no survivors!"

She flung her hands into the air, creating the illusion of a fire glowing around her. The men scampered in every direction, and she slowly lowered her hands again.

Inside the church, Maria half listened as Alex continued his speech. "Then wove, twue wove, will follow you fowever..."

"The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your soul!" Isabel yelled as the remaining men ran away.

"So tweasure youw..." Alex continued.

"Skip to the end!" Prince Nasedo yelled.

"Have you the wing?"

"My Michael is coming," Maria whispered.

Isabel placed her hand over the lock, smiling as she heard it unlatch.

"Izzy, what would we do without you?" Kyle asked before he raced into the castle.

"Your Michael is dead," Nasedo informed Maria, smiling. "I killed him myself."

"Then why is there fear in your eyes?" Maria asked.

"Do you Pwincess Maria…"

"Brid and wife!" Nasedo yelled. "Say brid and wife!"

"Brid and wife," Alex said.

"Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite!" Nasedo told his men.

"He didn't come," Maria said, allowing the man to grab her arms and pull her down the hall.

*****

"Stop," a voice said calmly.

Kyle slowed his steps, finding himself face to face with the six-fingered man. "Hello," he said. "My name is Kyle

Valenti. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Kyle lifted his sword and watched as Pierce did the same. However, Pierce turned and ran, with Kyle chasing after him.

"Isabel!" Kyle yelled. "I need you."

"I can't leave Michael," she called. However, her heart insisted that she follow. Leaning Michael against the wall,

she followed Kyle down the hall.

Pierce had met a dead end. Turning around, he pulled out his sword, striking Kyle hard in the chest. "I'm sorry father," Kyle whispered. "I tried."

"Have you been chasing me your whole life only to fail now?" Pierce asked. "How marvelous."

*****

Maria closed her eyes as she lifted the dagger to her chest.

"There is a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, it would be a pity to ruin yours," she heard a voice say. Turning, she saw Michael lying on the bed.

"Michael!" She threw herself on top of him. "Michael, why don't you hold me?" She pressed her lips to his. "Why don't you kiss me?"

"Gently," Michael replied.

"At a time like this, that is all you can say? Gently?"

"Gently," Michael cried as she lifted his head and it flopped back against the headboard.

*****

Kyle struggled to stand.

"Are you still trying to win?" Pierce asked.

"My name is Kyle Valenti," Kyle said, raising his sword. "You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Kyle shoved his sword into Pierce's stomach. "Hello, my name is Kyle Valenti. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Stop saying that!"

He pushed the sword in further. "Hello, my name is Kyle Valenti. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Pierce looked at him with tears in his eyes.

"Beg me for mercy," Kyle said.

"Please."

"Offer me anything-gold, jewels…"

"Anything you want, you may have," Pierce said.

"I want my father back, you filthy bastard," Kyle sneered, pushing the sword all the way through and watching the life leave Pierce's eyes.

*****

"Oh, Michael, can you forgive me?" Maria asked, situating herself against her Spaceboy.

"What hideous sin have you committed now?"

"I got married," she said. "I didn't want to. It all happened so fast."

"It didn't happen," Michael assured her.

"But it did, Michael. I was there. He said brid and wife."

"Did you say I do?"

"Um, no… we sort of skipped that part."

"Then you're not married. You didn't say it, you didn't do it. Isn't that right, your highness?" Michael turned his head

to look at Nasedo, who was staring at them in disbelief.

"A technicality that will soon be remedied," Nasedo answered. "But first things first," he said, drawing his sword. "To the death!"

"No!" Michael cried. "To the pain!"

"What does that mean?" Nasedo asked.

"To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at your wrists. Next, your nose."

"Then my tongue, I suppose?" Nasedo sneered. "I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight."

"I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right!"

"And then my ears...I understand! Let's get on with it!"

"Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why; so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness is yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out, 'dear god what is that thing!' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."

"I think that you're bluffing," Nasedo said.

"Perhaps," Michael replied. "It could be that I am lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again," he said, pulling himself to his feet, "perhaps I have the strength after all. Now, drop… your… sword."

Nasedo hedged for a moment, and then his sword hit the ground.

"Now," Michael said, smiling. "Have a seat. Tie him up, Maria."

Maria fastened the rope tightly around Nasedo.

"Where's Isabel?" Kyle asked, rushing into the room.

"I thought she was with you," Michael answered, falling forward. Kyle caught him and held him up.

"Here," Kyle said, handing Michael to Maria, "help him."

"Why does Michael need helping?"

"Because he has no strength," Kyle replied.

"I knew he was bluffing!" Nasedo cried.

Kyle aimed his sword at Nasedo. "Shall I kill him for you?" he asked.

"No," Michael replied. "Whatever happens, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice."

"Kyle!" Isabel came rushing into the room and threw her arms around her cowboy. His arms tightened around her.

"I couldn't find you," she said. She turned her head to look at Michael and Maria. "I see you found her."

Michael nodded and pulled Maria close.

"So, true love triumphs," she said, smiling at Kyle.

"Let's get out of here," he said.

Once outside, Isabel conjured up four horses for them to ride into the channel.

"You know," Kyle said. "Now I'm out of a job."

"Have you ever considered piracy?" Michael asked. "You'd make a great Dread Pirate Roberts."

The four of them climbed onto their horses and rode to freedom. As dawn arose, Michael and Maria knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. Maria turned to Michael, asking…

["What?"

"No," the older girl said, shaking her head. "It's fluff again."

"Well, maybe just this once…"]

"Michael, did you ever find your answers? Do you know your past?"

Smiling, Michael leaned toward her, kissing her ever so gently. "My past…" he whispered. The kiss deepened. Maria was struck by an image at once. It was an image of her, when she was only a small girl. It was the day that Michael had come to their farm.

"That is my past," he whispered. "You."

Maria smiled. "So then, spaceboy, we can marry now?"

"As you wish," he replied.

The End

Mr. Raddish gave this story:

4 Radishes!

Back to Mr Raddish's Desk