Disclaimer: Roswell and all the people, places, and things that make it the great show that it is belong to a whole bunch of people that aren't me, including, but not limited to, Jason Katims and Melinda Metz.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Everything through Departure.
Summary: Why did Tess do what she did? Is she evil?
Feedback: Loved it? Hated it? Please, tell me.
Distribution: Ask and you shall receive. If you already have permission to archive my stuff, by all means go ahead.
Dedication: To everyone who believes that Tess isn't evil.
Authors Notes: This fic was inspired by three things: a bit of remembered discussion of Max in the City, a line from one of my own fics (I'll leave you to figure out which), and the unshaken belief that Tess isn't evil. Enjoy.

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I suppose this is partially my fault; it was my overconfidence that was my downfall. I was so sure of my abilities, my strength to overcome any foe, that I didn't realise until too late that I'd already lost.

Two little words could have been my salvation, but by the time I realised that they needed to be said I was unable to say them. I tried, oh how I tried. I tried so hard and so often that I lost the ability to say anything. Instead of saying "help me" I would find that the only words to pass my lips were mundane things like "pass the tabasco sauce" and "let's watch a movie".

Sometimes I was able to let subtle hints slip, but they must have been too subtle because no one noticed. Maybe they didn't notice because they didn't know me well enough? They saw nothing wrong because they couldn't tell that anything was wrong. I tried so hard to become their friend, to join their little family, and yet they didn't know me well enough to see that I wasn't me.

I had thought that they knew me well enough to know that I was no longer hung up on all that destiny crap. I thought for sure they would suspect something when I started acting all hung up on Max again, but in the end I was still the bringer of destiny, the destroyer of love.

You're welcome to Max, Liz, I'd much rather have Kyle. Dear, sweet Kyle, who convinced himself he saw me as nothing more than a sister. He, at least, saw all her hints that I still wanted my 'destiny', and his pride and male ego refused to let himself believe he'd lost another love to Max Evans so I became a sister. That at least, required no mindwarping.

Do you see Alex' blood every time you look at your hands, Kyle? I do. I know I was only her instrument, that my hands were merely her tools, but still I see his blood staining my hands.

Wherever you are, I hope you can find it within you to forgive me Alex. I was just as much her tool as you were. I think you would understand. I know what you were going through there, in the last minutes before… My mind still shies away from that thought. I know what it's like to be a prisoner in your own mind, only I'm still living it.

I'm conscious of everything that goes on around me, helpless to do anything to alter it.

When Max… I hesitate to use the word rape, because Max would never, but that's what it was. She raped Max and I, only Max doesn't know it yet, and she enjoyed every minute of it. When it was all over, I managed enough control to shed two tears. Max thought they were tears of joy. He gave me a tender smile and wiped them away with his thumb, entirely clueless to what had just happened.

What I still can't believe is that he really thinks our son - god how much I hate those two words - can't breathe Earth's air. We can breathe it, so our son should be able to too. The real reason the baby couldn't breathe, you idiot, is because I cut off his air supply. I do still have some minor degree of control, if I can get it past her careful vigilance. In the end that worked out to her favour though, so whose to say she didn't let me do it.

If I could, I would have cheered for joy when Kyle, Liz, Michael, and Maria came charging back into the pod chamber naming me a murderer. You psychotic, sadistic bitch! You can't even mindwarp worth shit! It should never come undone, they should never realise that they've been mindwarped!

Kill me. End it. End it end it end it. I want to die.

But Max, always the gallant, couldn't kill an innocent. Don't you understand? I want to die!

I exerted every ounce of force I could command, but still I couldn't stop my hand from reaching out and touching the granolith. So here I am, on my way back 'home'.

She'll never kill me now, she enjoys my suffering far to much to let me die. She taunts me with her maniacal laughter, a sound so ugly and harsh that it makes me want to go insane.

Besides, I'm her only way back. I did manage to claim one small victory in the war I ultimately lost. I did kill her body, her's and Rath's, I just never realised that she was already in my mind, that she would bide her time, silently tightening the noose until it was too late.

No one will ever save me, I'll be imprisoned in my own mind for all time. There will never be a white knight to come save me. No one will ever even hear my screams because my screams are silent.

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