"Time manipulates your heart, preconceptions torn apart
Begin to doubt my state of mind
But I won’t go down on what I said
I won’t retract convictions read
I may perplex, but I’m not blind
So take all this noise into your brain and send it back again
I’ll bear the cost, shed my skin, call you up and then...
I’ll say the words out loud
A thousand words..."

--Savage Garden. ***

I am a shell, I know that now.

What I was, or what I thought I was. Is now never going to be.

What I wanted, or what they thought I wanted is still what I want.

But it appears that for a very long time, what I want isn’t going to be.

Until I become not what I thought I was.

Make of it what you will. I never wanted to hurt anyone.

I am a vessel. I know that now. What I’m going to do is what they want me to do.

What I have is not what I chose.

What I chose is not what they will let me have.

So now I must choose to have not what I wanted, not what I thought I wanted.

But what they thought I would choose to have.

Make of it what you will. I didn’t mean to confuse anyone.

Destiny. I know that now.

If you can have what you want but didn’t know that you wanted it all along.

Is it better than never having what you wanted and instead having second best?

Earth equals Rules equal no rules on earth and hence rules out destiny on Earth?

For me to be what I need to become what is needed?

There is need for a sure path of that I am sure. If only that path wasn’t clouded with broken things.

Make of it what you will. I didn’t plan it so I’m going to deny it all.

Confusion. I know that now.

Choose. Want. Need. Have.To have, to hold, to love.

To need, to keep, to lose.

To want, to embrace, to leave.

To choose love, embrace it, and keep it forever.

I will have that.

What if it’s never? I thought that having the answers would keep me sane. But it could make all I hold dear vanish.

Uncertainty. I know that now.

I stand at the crossroads of decision.

The intersection, of choosing, of wanting, of needing, of having.

I will stand here for a while.

If I can’t have what I want to choose, because of what others have chosen for me to need. And while I still see the glimmer of hope in their eyes.

I choose to have nothing.

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